Housebound - Day 75
From The Times:
Twitter added a link to two of President Trump’s tweets in which he had made false claims about mail-in ballots, urging people to “get the facts.”
New Twitter Warning Messages for Trump Tweets
OK, this was debunked like eight years ago.
Free speech is not an excuse to be a moron, dude.
Have you no shame, Sir?
Warning! Racism ahead!
Seriously, how do you come up with this shit?
Someone call Burger King, because we’ve found a Whopper!
We call bullshit.
What color is the sky in your world?
Divide and conquer, amiright?
It’s 4am. Nuff said.
Source: Fox News
-- Josh Piven
Housebound - Day 74
PA Gov. Tom Wolf announced which counties will be the state’s first to move into the green phase of his coronavirus reopening plan on Friday. At the same time, some areas still stuck in the red phase, otherwise known as a complete stay-at-home order, could be allowed to soon move into the yellow phase.
New Colors for Phased Reopening Plan And What They Mean
Blood Red: You’re cooking for the foreseeable future buddy
Light Red: You can go outside as long as you don’t breathe
Maroon: Why are you not wearing your useless facemask, Ma’am?
Mustard Yellow: Sure, jackass, eat at a restaurant. We dare you.
Honey: Museums are open: three people may enter per hour
Amber: We hope your barber works fast
Dark Green: No one has died here recently (that we know of, but nobody's really counting)
Teal: Enjoy your movie! Good luck eating popcorn with a mask
Emerald: Time to hit the gym! The one that’s still in business
Light Green: Happy 2024!
-- Josh Piven
Housebound - Day 70 (Ug)
The Slate Guide to Quarantine Summer
Fireworks and beach trips are overrated. Here’s how to update your old traditions for the very untraditional months ahead.
The dirty dish Olympics
Tokyo 2020 is done. But you can go for the gold all summer as you attempt to fill the dishwasher in record time!
New game: I once ate there!
This new game is sure to fill you with nostalgia—and a rumbling stomach—as you attempt to count all the restaurants where you once ate a meal.
Big fireworks celebrations are probably out. But isn’t homemade always better than store-bought? Just mix up a batch of flour and gasoline, light a match, and enjoy the pyrotechnics!
Swim without getting arrested
Pool hopping has never been so exciting as you charge from one neighbor’s backyard pool to the next, trying to cool off before the shotgun appears!
Make your own beach
If the French can do it on the Seine, you can too! Order a truck load of sand and have it dumped in front of your house. You’ll be the envy of the block! And the neighborhood dogs!
Nothing says summer like the ole corner drink stand. This year, just toss lemons, ice cubes, and half a cup of sugar at passersby. So refreshing!
-- Josh Piven
Housebound - Day 68
Vice President Mike Pence said on Tuesday he is not taking hydroxychloroquine, after President Donald Trump revealed a day earlier he was using the decades-old anti-malarial drug as a preventive treatment for the coronavirus.
From the Oval Office Tapes:
Trump: Lil’ Mikey, come on in here buddy. How’s that wife of yours? She’s a little pudgy. Many people say she’s a 4. I’d say maybe a 6.
Pence: Thank you, Sir. I… think. She’s fine, Mr. President, thank you for asking. Still healthy.
Trump: Good, good, can’t have our people with the China virus, looks very, very bad. Like your assistant or whoever that was. She’s sick, right?
Pence: My Press Secretary, Sir. She’s recovering. We couldn’t find a ventilator, so we’re using a turkey baster.
Trump: Good, good, keep her healthy, attractive women. Shame when they get sick. Melania’s 100% good. I think. I mean, we didn’t see each other before this whole mess, so I assume she’s OK. She looks good, though, right?
Pence: She is very… tall, Sir.
Trump: Listen, Mike, I want to know why you won’t take this drug, this secret weapon, hydro-something?
Pence: I’m sticking with prayer, Sir.
Trump: What’s that, some Indian knock-off drug?
Pence: No, Sir. I pray. I trust in God. We did that in Indiana, with AIDS.
Trump: Did it work?
Pence: The jury’s still out, Sir.
Trump: Mike, you’re a bright kid, I like you, so I’m going to do you a big favor. I can get you the drug, the hydro. It’s the good stuff. And it’s clean. Not that stepped-on crap you find on K street. Good price, too. It’s pure. Uncut.
Pence: Well, Mr. President, I don’t know if I…
Trump: You’re not scared, are you, Pencey? My hydroxy-a-something is Grade-A stuff. All the smart people are doing it now. You’re one of the smart people, aren’t you, Mikey?
Pence: Yes, Sir, I mean, I don’t really hang with that crowd…
Trump: If you want, I could front you a few doses. You sell them, maybe to your staff, and you keep a few for yourself, pay me later. Talk it up to the press. What do you say, Mike? Do we have a deal?
Pence: I appreciate the offer, Mr. President. Really. I think I’ll stick with praying to Jesus Christ for now.
Trump: You’re making a big mistake, Mikey. There’s a ton of money to be made here. Even more than Trump Steaks. Millions of people are going to need this stuff! We’re going to clean up!
Pence: Sir, I don’t think the evidence clearly shows that hydroxychloroquine wards off the virus.
Trump: The virus? What do you mean? I take it for hair loss.
-- Josh Piven
Housebound - Day 67
I finally got a real haircut today. Like from a real professional barber. (Well, he prefers “hairdresser,” but I like “beautician.”) It was expensive, traveling to Georgia and all, but well worth it. Plus, they threw in a tattoo!
When he saw what my wife and kids had done to my hair, his first question was ”Have you retained a good attorney?” For the past month, most people just assumed I’d been lobotomized. That, or attacked by rats. Now I finally know how a poodle feels when it’s time for the summer cut: GET RID OF IT ALL!
A new crop of “we’re here for you” corporate spam arrives daily. My current favorite is Airbnb. Not content to try to sell us online “experiences,” they are now offering “photos of stunning Airbnb spaces free to download” which “make great backgrounds for video calls.” Right, because I’m not really stumbling into Week 9 in my filthy house, I’m actually in Bali! That screaming? Those aren’t my kids, those are seagulls. Balinese seagulls!
Citicard’s was pretty rich too. They are SO glad I’ve used online channels to contact them, because they are REALLY busy (trying to collect from millions of unemployed card holders, no doubt). Online channels. Because I usually just swing by the ole credit card storefront shop on Main Street here in 1955. And of course Comcast has eliminated late fees: If by “eliminate” you mean still charging them, but then willing to remove them if you call to complain. Guess that’s what passes for corporate largesse in the COVID era.
Meanwhile Major League Baseball says that it might re-start games, but without fans in the stands (won’t be much different for the Phillies). Which leads to the existential question: If a player scratches his crotch and no one sees it, did it really happen?
Finally, back at the asylum, Trump says he’s taking Hydroxychloroquine to ward off COVID. Folks, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this means that malaria probably won’t get him
-- Josh Piven
Housebound - Day 62
A Selection of the Latest Headlines
Did Catherine the Great F*ck a Horse? Inside TV’s Surprisingly Fun New Binge (Daily Beast)
And you thought the animals were abused on Tiger King…
I’m a Middle-Aged Woman Who Loves Twerking During Sex. The problem: It’s hurting my back. Any exercise tips? (Slate)
Isn’t the twerking the exercise? <confused>
Joe Biden’s Campaign Has No Direction (RedState)
Wait, it’s not in the basement?
Georgia officials are asking the public to help them track 4-foot long, invasive lizards (CNN)
COVID-19 tracing? Eh, maybe later…
A Hamptons Spa Has Become a $400,000-per-Month Rental Property (Bloomberg)
God, we are THIS close to being just like Denmark…
Where Bats Are Still on the Menu, if No Longer the Best Seller (NY Times)
The best seller is STILL the hush-puppy.
-- Josh Piven
Housebound - Day 61
Promotional email from Airbnb:
Good news from our community. Airbnb hosts, guests, and employees are finding ways to connect, even while we're staying home. Connecting with the world from home. In the past two weeks, people from 106 countries have taken an Online Experience. Here’s how one guest described it: “It’s nice to feel that connection with others from different parts of the world in this strange time and just take a moment to remember to breathe.”
Plumbing with Patty
Patty is stuck at home with a stopped up toilet. No plumber will come, and even if one was available, she’s flat broke. So, she’s taken the entire toilet apart, and now can’t fit it back together. Join her online as she cries unconsolably on the wet bathroom floor.
Bake with Jim!
Jim has never cooked a meal, much less used flour to do anything. Nevertheless, his kids want fresh bread and all the store shelves are bare. Join him as he coats every possible surface of his kitchen in flour, while trying to make dough without a stand mixer. Go Jim!
Auto repair with Steve!
Steve has been laid off, can’t afford a mechanic, but still wants to visit his elderly mother who may have Covid. He doesn’t know shit about cars, except that his won’t run. Join Jim as he gets filthy under the hood of his Ford Edge, poking at various wires and hoses and hoping for a miracle start.
Wax with Wendy!
Wendy needs some serious grooming, but doesn’t live in Georgia and can’t find a beauty parlor that’s open. The hot wax will flow freely as Wendy attempts to pull her hairs out while not screaming so loud that she wake the kids.
TV watching and beer drinking with Pete.
Pete lost his job and now spends his days zoning out in front of the television, while drinking himself into oblivion. You may not learn much, but at least he has the full Comcast Triple Play package. Enjoy!
Apply for unemployment with Mary
Watch as Mary calls, calls, and calls again, trying to reach the state unemployment office that’s severely understaffed. Tension’s in the air as her husband Tim annoys her with helpful “suggestions” about how she’s doing it wrong and should go online instead. Fascinating!
-- Josh Piven
Housebound - Day 60 (WTF??)
From The Times:
A 112-year-old German company has found itself playing an unexpected yet crucial role in supplying the country with the face masks its population needs to safely reopen its economy. The company, Melitta, made coffee filters and vacuum cleaner bags before the coronavirus pandemic hit, but it quickly retooled one of its coffee filter production systems to make masks that filter out bacteria as efficiently as simple medical masks. They are shaped like the coffee filters Melitta still makes for sale in grocery stores.
New Melitta Covid-Coffee Filter Mask Styles
The “Pour Over”
Popular with Millennials willing to pay $6 for a trendy coffee or a face-mask, this see-and-be-scene item is perfect for dudes with bushy beards, tattoos, and laptop computers who sit around all day and don’t seem to perform any productive work.
Your basic Boomer mask that is cheap, light brown, pretty weak, and with no real character, but very easy to make. A mask grandma would love!
Easygoing, effective mask for the busy professional—who’s not yet stepped up to a gold filter mask—and has just a few minutes to relax with some java before that 9am Zoom call.
Strictly for the hard-hit Italian crowd, this tiny, dark and powerful mask will make you think you’re sitting at a Café on the Piazza Navona and enjoying a filter-less smoke. Which, of course, you’re not, because: Covid.
A sexy, milky-white mask that screams “I still have a job and can afford fancy things!”
The “Cold Brew”
You’ve got nothin’ but time if you’re sporting this trendy mask, which must be steeped the night before wearing. Not available in winter. Oat milk recommended.
These are instructions for sewing your own filter mask, since our Covid coffee products are not available in the United States.
-- Josh Piven
Housebound - Day 59
From The Times:
Nearly 20,000 Georgia Teens Are Issued Driver’s Licenses Without a Road Test
Gov. Brian Kemp suspended the requirement that most Georgians pass a behind-the-wheel test when applying for licenses last month.
2020 Georgia Teen Driving Test. Please circle the correct answer.
The large circle with numbers listing MPH on the dashboard is called:
1. The TikTok
2. The race-car thingie
3. The engine
4. The dial-of-death
The yellow object with three lights in a vertical orientation is a:
1. Christmas ornament
2. Bird feeder
3. Thing that Boomers look at for some reason
Tailgating is a ___________.
1. Way to get the slow-pokes to move out of the way
4. Good entrée to road rage
In Georgia, making a right turn on red is:
1. A huge time saver
2. Fine, as long as you carry a rifle
3. Acceptable but only for pick-ups
4. What’s a right turn?
When an oncoming vehicle flashes their high beams, you should:
1. Stop texting
2. Start texting
3. Give ‘em the ole’ one-finger Georgia salute
4. Shoot first
Double-parking on a bridge means you may be:
2. Huntin’ squirrels and such
3. Contemplating suicide
4. What’s double parking? What’s a bridge?
The EZ Pass lane allows you to:
1. Get a good grade
3. Put the moves on your date
4. Outrun the cops
The Georgia I CAN DRIVE LOL® app includes
1. Banners and badges
2. In-app purchases
3. Patented Drive With Friends® gameplay
4. Sharing of all your personal data with State Police
Drinking and driving may result in:
1. More fun
2. Spilling your beer in your lap
3. Sex in the backseat
4. A job in the Kemp Administration’s DOT
-- Josh Piven
Housebound - Day 56
From The Philadelphia Inquirer--
Frontier Airlines abandons plan to sell $39 social-distancing upgrade
Faced with widespread outrage from Democratic lawmakers, Frontier Airlines said late Wednesday it was abandoning its plan to sell passengers a $39 upgrade that would guarantee they could sit next to an empty middle seat while flying during the coronavirus outbreak.
New Frontier Upgrades Now Available!
Coffee cup guaranteed to be sterile: $2
Coffee cup guaranteed to be used by two passengers or fewer: $1
Frontier Full-Frontal® In-Flight Face mask, new: $5
Frontier In-Flight Face mask, nose only: $3
In-flight snack handled by two flight attendants: $4
In-flight snack handled by many people: $2
Air sickness bag, new: $3
Air sickness bag, used: no charge
Frontier Coronacliner® Guaranteed Virus-Free Bulkhead Seating: $49
Frontier Some-guy-wet-coughing Zone 6 Seating: $29
Frontier Skyair® In-Flight Ventilator: $399
Instructions for Skyair® In-Flight Ventilator: $299
Seat with clean tray table: $19
Seat with unidentified grime on tray table: $9
Infrared Temperature Check at Gate: $5
Rectal Temperature Check at Gate: no charge
Frontier First Class: You're joking, right?
-- Josh Piven
You know who I am, right? It's in the "bio" section. I'm the guy stuck at home.