 The COVID cat nap. From the Washington Post:
Quarantinis are a meme of this crisis. But relying on alcohol could lead to serious problems. For many Americans, the days of the coronavirus quarantine have been bracketed by coffee at one end and happy hour at the other. Drinking memes and “quarantini” recipes are everywhere, and off-premises booze sales surged by 55 percent in mid-March as people started turning to alcohol to deal with the stress, anxiety and grief brought on by isolation. But weeks or even months of using alcohol to escape difficult emotions could leave those who indulge with a problem that’s hard to shake once the lockdown is over. Day 1 Dear Diary-- So far, I’m really enjoying the slower pace of Quarantine life, staying up a little later to read my book, getting up a little later, having a leisurely breakfast with Tom and the kids. Pancakes yesterday! I’m like a home-maker now! Hello, COVID, Hello 1954! Last night, while we watched Tiger King, I even had half a glass of white wine… on a Thursday! Very relaxing! Day 2 Dear Diary-- Things have really slowed down at work, and I’m enjoying being able to make my own schedule. We had a Zoom happy hour last night (TGIF!). It went pretty well. Probably shouldn’t’ve had that second glass of Chardonnay, as I skipped jogging this a.m. Oh well, it is the weekend… Day 3 Dear Diary-- Rainy Saturday. Tom and I cleaned out the basement, what a mess. I was so exhausted I had to grab a glass of White Zin at lunch. Then I took a nap and felt better. For dinner we had pasta so we cracked open a nice Barolo. That didn’t last long. Day 4 Dear Diary-- Sunday Brunch! Bloody Marys or STFU, beee-otch! LOLZ. We did a Zoom brunch, so of course we also had to toast with Prosecco! So fun! Day 5 Dear Diary-- Mon. Day. Back to fucking work. So many stupid videoconferences. Irish coffee in the morning helps. Also: it’s so easy to turn my camera off during meetings and have just a little nip in the afternoon. Makes all these dumb people bearable. Mexican for dinner tonight: Margaritas, woot! Day 6 Dear Diary-- OK, Tom is really starting to fucking piss me off with his constant cracks about my wine consumption. Like, what the fuck, dude? Are you cooking seven nights a week. Didn’t think so. Also the kids: What the hell? Can they maybe do their own laundry for once? I discovered this new drink, a Moscow Mule, it’s really easy to make and they go down quick. Beer chasers, that’s how I roll, motherfucker. OK, gotta go, Zoom book/wine club in five… Day 7 Dear Diary-- Ug, I overslept this morning and missed an important Zoom. Oh well, fuck them, like I have a say in who gets furloughed. Did you know that bartenders drink Fernet because it smells like mouthwash and hides the smell of the hard stuff really well? Totally works, trust me. Day 8 Dear Diary-- Where. Is. The. Fucking. Scotch. Tom that piece of shit bastard motherfucker hid all my bottles. Like he’s some saint! Shit for brains has like two beers a night. And Double IPAs too, not the Session Ales that are like 4.0 IBU. It’s OK though, while he was showering I snuck out and stocked up at the package store. Paid cash so he won’t see the charge. Yeeeah boyeee some bathroom drinkin’ tonight bitches! OK, back to work. Day 9 Dear Diary-- Quick question: Why is Tom such a flaming asshole? He moved out. He took the kids. It’s my fault, I tossed an empty at his head ‘cause he wouldn’t shut up about his sick parents. Mom has COVID? Who doesn’t, Dude? Like I give two shits. Fuck them, his mother hates me anyway. Day 10 Dear Diary-- Sooooo lonely and crying right now. Nobody loves me and it’s all my fault, I am such a fucked up loser. I swear, Diary, I will never drink again. Not another drop. Ever. I’m going back to running. Tomorrow. I swear. Day 11 Dear Diary – Fri-day! Have you ever heard of a Whiskey Sour…? -- Josh Piven  Finally, a home dye job that works! From The Times:
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has expanded its list of possible symptoms of the coronavirus. The federal health agency changed its website to cite the following symptoms as possible indicators of Covid-19, the infection caused by the coronavirus. (Previously it had listed just three symptoms: fever, cough and shortness of breath.)
New symptoms added as of April 28:
 From the Times:
Safe Dining? Hard to Imagine, but Many Restaurants Are Trying Though widespread re-openings may be a long way off, chefs and health officials have begun studying how a post-pandemic restaurant might look. “Everyone’s going to the grocery stores, and there are some grocery stores where nobody has any gloves on,” said Pano Karatassos, a corporate executive chef for the group. “We are going to have an experience in my mind that’s 10 times safer. What we’re doing is looking to move forward with the new way of dining.” Welcome to Georgia! Please follow our dining-out guidelines, and enjoy your new restaurant experience! Have a fever? Get the fuck out. Our restaurants put your safety first… way ahead of the health of the general population! That’s why we’ll be temperature-gunning you at the door! Just relax as the host or hostess—in full PPE gear—shoots you with an infrared temp gun. No fever? You’re welcome to go to the next dining step. Slight fever? Hot flashes? Go home and cook. Again. Mask up! All diners will be given surgical masks. You’ll note that our restaurants’ masks are a bit different: there’s a piece of masking tape covering a mouth hole. This tape should be removed when you take a bite of our delicious cuisine, and re-attached while chewing. Repeat as necessary. Break up party. If your party is larger than 4 persons, you won’t be enjoying the full communal dining experience: two or more of you will sit off in a corner somewhere. Hopefully, you’ll be within shouting distance. But, of course, you’ll be masked, so maybe plan to catch up later. Prepare for tableside boiling. We want you to know all our utensils are germ free, so we’ll be sterilizing them table-side in a huge vat of boiling water. Don’t worry, accidents have been rare! We use paper plates, and we’ll be incinerating them in the burn pit out back after your meal. Our menu. In the interests of safety, our menu will be read over the restaurant’s PA system in a continuous loop. Don’t worry if you missed something: it’s comin’ round again! Wine list. Ordering wine just got simple! Just use our “sommelier app” to say “red” or “white” and we’ll pick something that compliments your meal. No returns. Your server. Our experienced servers have already recovered from COVID, and are therefore (hopefully!) immune, so don’t worry, you won’t get them sick! The restroom. Rather than risk infecting our patrons in a small, enclosed bathroom, we’ve taken the precautionary step of installing a pit latrine out back. Don’t worry, there are plenty of hand sanitizer stations! Dessert. Flambés only. The bill. Your meal will be pre-paid before you arrive, so there’s no need to worry about searching for a credit card or paying with (likely contagious) cash. Leftovers. If you wanted take-out, why'd you come here? -- Josh Piven  Bet you can drink just one! New cocktails at the Trump International Hotel and Tower
Sex on the Bleach Scrumptious new concoction featuring peach schnapps, vodka, cranberry juice, and 100% non-diluted Clorox. Hope you’ve got a sweet tooth and a current will! Trump Rusty Nail An update of a classic featuring scotch, Drambuie, and actual metal shavings from a rusty nail. Bet you can drink just one! Sea Febreze This one will remind you of that end-of-summer fling, and features vodka, grapefruit, cranberry, and a Febreze floater. The fresh smell with knock you out! Gin and Carbolic Tonic is so last week as we re-freshen this summer classic with a generous helping of carbolic acid. Please pay before ordering. Whiskey Scour It’s hard to improve a classic, but we’ve done it with this complex drink featuring whiskey, lemon juice, egg white, and scouring powder. Bring a designated ambulance driver for this one! Lysol Spritz Nothing says summer like this trendy Prosecco cocktail, but with a special Trump twist: a double schpritz of Lysol disinfectant. Try one poolside… or graveside! Trump Manhattan What better way to start your 14-day quarantine than this re-imagined classic featuring not rye buy lye! Garnished with a radioactive cherry, we hope someone’s watching the kids—til they’re 18! -- Josh Piven  Even the soaps are not immune! From Vulture:
Even Soap Operas Are Running Out of Episodes Because of the Coronavirus Tune in tomorrow while you can: Long-running daytime soaps The Young and the Restless and The Bold and the Beautiful, which halted production last month in the wake of the coronavirus crisis, are about to run out of original episodes. Pilots for new soap operas coming soon: General Hospital: The Bankruptcy Years Once a thriving (and conniving) enterprise, GH has fallen on hard times due to a lack of government support during the COVID era. Dr. Sonny Corinthos spends his days begging for testing kits and personal protective equipment, while also carrying on a torrid love affair with his head nurse, Lulu, who is secretly a world-famous epidemiologist who has lost her license due to a drunken driving conviction she can’t remember because she was so whacked out on amphetamines for three years. She's now working, in secret, on a vaccine. Meanwhile, the head hospital administrator, Curtis, is secretly stealing nasal swabs and selling them on the black market to support his $100/day Peloton class habit, because he needs to stay fit to win back Maxie, who once worked for him but is now pursuing Sonny while also running what appears to be a successful floral shop but in reality is a drug front for a Columbian cartel: a cartel that is seeking to take over the hospital and make it a drug lab. The bad kind. The Young & The Hopeless In this compelling new daytime drama, Ashley Abbott is a wealthy/immoral tech titan who has flown her private jet to her estate in New Zealand to escape the plague. Meanwhile, Billy Abbott, who believes he is her biological son but is actually the product of a love triangle featuring an ER doctor, a mail carrier, and an Uber Eats delivery driver, has come down with COVID-19 and threatens to fly to New Zealand to expose Ashely to the virus unless she pays him $10 million—in the mistaken belief that New Zealand allows anyone except rich white people to enter the country. Meanwhile, his real mother, the ER doctor Hope Adams, wants to reunite with her son, but she can’t because she’s now on a ventilator that may (or may not) be malfunctioning due to a design flaw that Ashley’s company is responsible for (but not yet publicly known). The Last Days of Our Lives Chad is sure his baby was swapped at birth, but can’t prove anything because during the COVID crisis all hospital records have been contaminated and are being burned one at a time to draw out the drama. Meanwhile, Gabi was shocked to find out that Stefan, who she’d assumed just had seasonal allergies, has the virus and now has to wear a surgical mask, making foreplay difficult. Little does she know that behind the mask it’s actually not Stefan, but his long-lost twin brother Steven, who does not have the virus but is just wearing the mask to hide his identity while he seduces Gabi. Stefan, however, actually does have the virus, but has been kidnapped by a group of right wingers who are seeking to extract antibodies and use them to create a vaccine to be used only in red states. Stefan, however, has secretly coughed on his kidnappers while they slept, and is now counting down the days until they lose lung function and he can escape. The Bold and the Beautiful-Even-Without-Makeup-And-Haircuts Flo is sure that Sally’s medical records have a hidden secret: that she was born a brunette. Now, thanks to COVID, Sally can’t get a dye job and her hidden past may come to light in, oh, about two-and-a-half more weeks. The problem is, Sally is no longer attracted to Wyatt because he tried to give himself a haircut and it did not go well. Meanwhile, Brooke and Quinn are mulling a wild night on the Vegas Strip, because they’re completely clueless about the virus and assume casinos are essential businesses. As it turns out, though, they learn that Indian casinos are actually exempt from social distancing and quarantine rules (because they have their own laws! Who knew? ) so it looks like they may be able to go casino crazy after all, as long as they are willing to drive to the Metlakatla community in Alaska. Which is all the way past Canada, which has closed its border, forcing a dangerous night crossing. Luckily, they both speak Canadian. -- Josh Piven  If I only had a mask... Many Web sites and videos have been devoted to new games/activities/DIYs performed during the pandemic. Here are a few we suggest here at Housebound.
Game: Dirty Laundry How to play: Discuss reasons clothes are getting dirty since we don’t leave the goddamn house. Object: See who has the most realistic explanation for anything other than underwear and socks being dirty. Game: Guess the loads! How to play: Guess how many times we will run the dishwasher in a week. Object: See who comes closest to predicting how many fucking loads of dirty dishes we’re creating by eating in three meals a day for weeks with no fucking end in sight. Game: Whose videoconference is louder? How to play: Requires 2-4 people in the household on videoconferences at the same time. Object: See who screams unnecessarily into the microphone, and whose remote colleagues are most annoying. Cannot be played with headphones. Game: Guess who’s cooking dinner? Again? How to play: Try to figure out why, with multiple people in the house all day and perfectly capable of making at least pasta, the same parent cooks all the meals. Object: Guilt. Game: Bottle toss How to play: Throw empty wine and booze bottles into the recycle bin when you’re drunk, hoping they won’t break but secretly knowing at least a few will. Object: See if you can go three days without filling the bin. Good luck! Game: CVS Roulette How to play: Spin a dial that will point to the person who will risk their life by going to CVS for the toilet paper and sanitizer you know they won’t have, because they never have them. Object: To not get the virus. Game: Flight to Fresh Air How to play: See who can stay outside the longest before running back to the house after being frightened by strangers and/or deranged people who get too close. Object: To not get the virus DIY Project: Replace the toilet paper roll when it’s empty, if you used the last sheet. Steps: Self-explanatory. Just like it’s been for the ten years before the quarantine. DIY Project: Do your virtual school work without bitching about it for once. Steps: You don’t need to get up until 8:30am, don’t need to leave the house, and have three hours of work per day, if that. Yet still, you complain. DIY Project: Bring your dirty dishes down from your room and put them in the dishwasher without being asked Steps: Good luck finding them all. Try using your sense of smell. Bonus points for mold. -- Josh Piven  Let's get America back to work! From Buzzfeed News:
Governors in Georgia, Texas, Tennessee, and South Carolina have announced plans to allow some businesses to open their doors in the next couple weeks. States said they're eager to restart their local economies, even as new cases of COVID-19 are reported. Oval Office Meeting Trump: Come in, guys, I’m very very busy, let’s have this meeting. Take those masks off, that’s just for the press. Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp: Wow, never been in here, this is swanky. Tennessee Gov. Bill Lee: Are those chocolates free? Trump: You can have one after the meeting. Listen, we need to reopen the country in two days. I know I can count on you. What’s the plan? South Carolina Gov. Henry McMaster: We’re going to test everyone before we reopen. Trump: For the virus? McMaster: Nah, swim tests. We’re opening the beaches first. Trump: Nice, I like it. We need crowded beaches. Social distancing is for blue states. Texas Gov. Greg Abbott: In the great State of Texas, all our emergency first responders are getting pay raises. Trump: Doctors and nurses? Abbott: No. Lifeguards. We have a lot of beaches too. Trump: Good, very smart, whatever-your-name-is. Make sure they’re tan, too, we want everyone looking healthy. What’s the plan for the sick people? Abbot: The what now? Kemp: Sir, let me tell you about this special emergency transportation system we’ve created. We’re calling it the Coughing Coach. We put all the sick people on buses and send them to New York City. For free! Trump: <laughing> Cryin’ Cuomo won’t like that! McMaster: Mr. President, Suh, if I could interject? Trump: Inter-what? McMaster: In the Great Confederate State of South Caro-lie-nuh we want to get all the golf courses, country clubs, and whites-only beaches open as soon as possible. Normally, we have a big hankerin’ for fascism and the Klan. But we need to get the fedril guvment off our backs. Get rid of that welfare and all that money ya’ll been dole’n out. Do ya’ll think we could secede again? For ‘ole time’s sake? Trump: Which Dakota are you again? Kemp: Sir, the great State of Georgia wants to celebrate the re-opening of America with a big parade, ball games, and bar-b-cues. We’d love it if you could come down and give a big ‘ole speech to a big ‘ole crowd of people. Like old times. Trump: You mean like… one of my rallies? It’s been so long! Kemp: Yessir. We’ll keep all the virus spreaders in the way back. With the journalists. Lee: Now hold on there, pardner! We want to have the first Trump rally! We were the last state to close, so it’s only fair if we’re the first to re-open. Hell, it’s only been like a week. My pulled pork sandwich is still warm! Trump: Don’t fight boys, you’ll all get your Trumptime, don’t worry, we’re going to open up the country and Keep America Great. Not Great Depression great, the other kind. This Oriental virus will be gone by summer, my medical expert says so. Kemp: Fauci? Trump: No. Fox News. Lee: Are we done? Can I have a chocolate? -- Josh Piven  Planning the next family vacation! A selection of recent headlines
Federal judge blocks Kansas limits on religious gatherings (Politico) Darwinism in the COVID era! Love it! COVID-19 Is Leaving Its Mark On The Cannabis Industry, Insiders Say (Huffpost) Hacking cough: COVID or big bong hit? Porn Is ‘Free’ During Coronavirus and Right-Wingers Are Losing Their Minds Over It (DailyBeast) We’ve finally found an industry that doesn’t require a bailout! Huzzah! Would You Care if a White Man Cured Covid-19? (Wall Street Journal, paywall) What. The. Fuck. does this even mean? Michael Cohen will be released from prison due to pandemic (CNN) Begs Trump not to shoot him on Fifth Avenue The ‘Journalist’ Who Blamed Trump for Someone Drinking Fish Tank Cleaner Strikes Again (RedState) Speaking as someone who’s contemplated many a Draino cocktail since Trump was elected… Pennsylvania liquor stores to offer curbside pickup starting Monday (Inquirer) “Um, Sir, could you not chug that entire handle of Jack on the sidewalk…” ‘Very, Very Scary’: Officials Dumbfounded as Florida Beaches Reopen, 3 Days After Death Spike (DailyBeast) Can’t Florida just secede already? Seriously. Would Cuba accept it? Like as a gift? Trump Sons’ Romantic Partners Reportedly Receive $180,000 a Year From Reelection Campaign (Slate) The sad lesson of Stormy Daniels: Just put ‘em on the payroll already! -- Josh Piven  No pants here! From Fox News:
A Maryland police department reminded residents on Tuesday to put on pants when leaving the house to get the mail amid a statewide stay-at-home order meant to curb the spread of the coronavirus. “Please remember to put pants on before leaving the house to check your mailbox. You know who you are. This is your final warning,” Taneytown Police Department said on Facebook. New COVID Regulations from Maryland State Police, effective immediately Please refrain from backyard barbecuing while wearing only black crew socks. We ask that you please not chat with your local UPS driver while trimming your nose-hair. A new ordinance prohibits using a selfie stick to peep in your annoying neighbor’s window and then posting the footage on Facebook while claiming you were hacked. Please avoid greeting your mail carrier while wearing a black leather mask, 5-inch heels, and brandishing a bullwhip. A new regulation requires that you not climb a ladder to clean out the gutters while wearing crotchless chaps and singing “I’m Too Sexy!” Take care, Nancy, to avoid letting your bathrobe “accidentally” slip open when that sexy Ramón with the big biceps and easy smile drops off your Prime groceries. If possible, we ask that you not mow the lawn naked while pretending your John Deere riding mower is a mechanical bull. C’mon, Phil, at 7am, really? A new prohibition—no more warnings, Heather!—has been issued on tossing empty vodka bottles from the roof while screaming “I have to get out of this fucking house Jesus Christ I’m going fucking insane!” We’d prefer it, Mary, if you did not stand on a second floor balcony while wearing a lacy bra and business slacks and shouting “I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan!” A special order has been issued regarding kiddy pools being filled with lime Jello and used for live streaming co-ed naked wrestling events. Weekends only until further notice. Special Statement: surgical masks go on the face. -- Josh Piven  What mask are YOU? From the Times:
Face masks have become an emblem in the fight against the coronavirus, with officials in the United States and elsewhere recommending — and in some cases requiring — that people wear them to help slow the spread of the deadly outbreak. Here’s a look at some of the types of masks you might encounter, how they work, what to consider when making your own and the level of protection they could provide. New mask options and what they say about you. Paper bag with holes cut out mask New Orleans Saints fan Nixon mask You are not a crook Pantyhose mask You are a crook Fancy mask on a long stick You think you’re a French aristocrat Tiny strip of black cloth mask You’re the Riddler Mask with round ears You’re in the Mickey Mouse Club Burlap sack mask You’ve been kidnapped by ISIS Wet burlap sack mask You’ve been waterboarded by the CIA Mask made from an actual human face You’re Hannibal Lecter Diamond-encrusted mask You’re Elton John or Liberace. Clay mask You’re a teen with pimples Salvador Dali mask You’re a fan of Casa de Papel Mask made from scarf You’re Lawrence of Arabia Tiger mask You’re Carol Baskin No mask You’re Superman. Or Trump. --Josh Piven |
AuthorYou know who I am, right? It's in the "bio" section. I'm the guy stuck at home. Archives
May 2020
Categories |
RSS Feed