I read yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo have been postponed to 2021. I don't know how you're feeling, but I know I was really looking forward to sitting inside for two weeks and watching TV. What a nice change that would be!
Today's post will focus on critical survival strategies when housebound. Due to a severe shortage of COVID-19 testing kits, the Trump administration has released the following guidelines for a "self test" to be administered at home.
Self-test for COVID-19
1. Are you holding a used boarding pass from Wuhan, China to any destination anywhere?
If yes: Thanks for spreading! Go directly to the hospital.
If no: go to Step 2.
2. Are you Italian?
If yes: Hope you're not over 60, Signore!
If no: go to Step 3.
3. Does the term "Princess Cruises" give you PTSD?
If yes: Why did they let you off the boat, matey?
If no: go to Step 4.
4. Do you think the virus is a liberal hoax?
If yes: Exactly! You're not even sick. It's probably food poisoning!
If no: You're a Communist. Go back to China.
5. Will the virus be gone "by April, with the warmer weather?"
If yes: Are you interested in working for the CDC?
If no: Negativity is contagious, snowflake.
There are a number of cocktais floating around the interwebs that claim to be "new" or "original" with clever names like "The Fluzey" and "Keep Your Distance" and "Six Feet... Under" (kidding, I just made up those names, but they are good.)
But, in fact, being an amateur mixologist and a shut in, my drink is one that I have actually already made myself. And it's called, of course, "The Shut In."
The Shut In - Josh Piven Edition
2.5 oz decent gin (I used Death's Door, which is a mediocre Midwest gin; I'm saving the good stuff for martinis)
1 oz St. Germain Elderflower liquor (available at liquor stores, if you can find one that's open)
1 oz Cucumber water (see note below)
-- Josh Piven