Housebound - Day 9? Maybe?

Truth.

​Starting out with some really distressing news today: My Weekly Screen Time is way the f-k up. My average was four hours per day. Is this healthy? I'm thinking probably not. Then again, compared to, say, going to a movie, it's like being a health nut. It helps that the Wifi is very reliable. I'll be the first person to say this, ever: Thank You, Comcast. You're the best! Is it possible for me to pay more? I'm sorry I even considered cutting the cord. 

Is anyone besides me ready to put needles under their fingernails if they get one more piece of corporate spam telling us how hard they're working during this very, very difficult time. They're focused on keeping their employees safe! Does that include sick days and paid time off? <Throat clear. Crickets.> I'm so very thankful Delta is removing copies of Sky Magazine from seat back pockets to keep me safe. When can I expect my bag fees to be refunded? Right after the bailout, maybe?
  
 I don't want Housebound to get too political. I'd rather stay on subjects we can all agree on, like sex and religion.

That said, perhaps we, as Americans, should be called upon by our leaders to make somewhat larger sacrifices than having to use the drive-thru to get our Starbucks Venti Double Mocha Caramel Lattes. (Also: are there Starbucks with drive-thru windows? Is that a Midwest thing? Sorry, never seen it. )

I know we're supposed to strive for normalcy and all that. And yes, I get that one person's spending is another person's salary. But I don't remember reading that in 1941 FDR begged Americans to support the economy by maintaining their Frappucino habits. I don't recall Rosie The Riveter posters with Rosie sucking on a Juul and drinking a macchiato. Is this the best we can do? 

Probably. Probably it is. 

Modestly, I feel I am doing my part. As I comedy writer, I'm contributing. Bigly. Entertainment couldn't be more important during what's basically war time. In fact, many, many people are saying that I'm "the Bob Hope of bloggers." I would never say that, but you know what? I think they're right. I am doing a very good job. The best, many are saying. Really, when this is all behind us, the pre-game NFL tributes should be focused on those stationed on the frontlines of this catastrophe: our healthcare workers.

​But the Superbowl halftime show? Jewish humorists. 

--Josh Piven