Housebound - Day 45

From the Times:
 Safe Dining? Hard to Imagine, but Many Restaurants Are Trying
Though widespread re-openings may be a long way off, chefs and health officials have begun studying how a post-pandemic restaurant might look. “Everyone’s going to the grocery stores, and there are some grocery stores where nobody has any gloves on,” said Pano Karatassos, a corporate executive chef for the group. “We are going to have an experience in my mind that’s 10 times safer. What we’re doing is looking to move forward with the new way of dining.”
 
Welcome to Georgia! Please follow our dining-out guidelines, and enjoy your new restaurant experience!
 
Have a fever? Get the fuck out.
Our restaurants put your safety first… way ahead of the health of the general population!  That’s why we’ll be temperature-gunning you at the door! Just relax as the host or hostess—in full PPE gear—shoots you with an infrared temp gun. No fever? You’re welcome to go to the next dining step. Slight fever? Hot flashes? Go home and cook. Again.
 
Mask up!
All diners will be given surgical masks. You’ll note that our restaurants’ masks are a bit different: there’s a piece of masking tape covering a mouth hole. This tape should be removed when you take a bite of our delicious cuisine, and re-attached while chewing. Repeat as necessary.
 
Break up party.
If your party is larger than 4 persons, you won’t be enjoying the full communal dining experience: two or more of you will sit off in a corner somewhere. Hopefully, you’ll be within shouting distance. But, of course, you’ll be masked, so maybe plan to catch up later.
 
Prepare for tableside boiling.
We want you to know all our utensils are germ free, so we’ll be sterilizing them table-side in a huge vat of boiling water. Don’t worry, accidents have been rare! We use paper plates, and we’ll be incinerating them in the burn pit out back after your meal.
 
Our menu.
In the interests of safety, our menu will be read over the restaurant’s PA system in a continuous loop. Don’t worry if you missed something: it’s comin’ round again!
 
Wine list.
Ordering wine just got simple! Just use our “sommelier app” to say “red” or “white” and we’ll pick something that compliments your meal. No returns.
 
Your server.
Our experienced servers have already recovered from COVID, and are therefore (hopefully!) immune, so don’t worry, you won’t get them sick!
 
The restroom.
Rather than risk infecting our patrons in a small, enclosed bathroom, we’ve taken the precautionary step of installing a pit latrine out back. Don’t worry, there are plenty of hand sanitizer stations!
 
Dessert.
Flambés only.
 
The bill.
Your meal will be pre-paid before you arrive, so there’s no need to worry about searching for a credit card or paying with (likely contagious) cash.
 
Leftovers.
If you wanted take-out, why'd you come here?
 
-- Josh Piven