Even Soap Operas Are Running Out of Episodes Because of the Coronavirus
Tune in tomorrow while you can: Long-running daytime soaps The Young and the Restless and The Bold and the Beautiful, which halted production last month in the wake of the coronavirus crisis, are about to run out of original episodes.
Pilots for new soap operas coming soon:
General Hospital: The Bankruptcy Years
Once a thriving (and conniving) enterprise, GH has fallen on hard times due to a lack of government support during the COVID era. Dr. Sonny Corinthos spends his days begging for testing kits and personal protective equipment, while also carrying on a torrid love affair with his head nurse, Lulu, who is secretly a world-famous epidemiologist who has lost her license due to a drunken driving conviction she can’t remember because she was so whacked out on amphetamines for three years. She's now working, in secret, on a vaccine. Meanwhile, the head hospital administrator, Curtis, is secretly stealing nasal swabs and selling them on the black market to support his $100/day Peloton class habit, because he needs to stay fit to win back Maxie, who once worked for him but is now pursuing Sonny while also running what appears to be a successful floral shop but in reality is a drug front for a Columbian cartel: a cartel that is seeking to take over the hospital and make it a drug lab. The bad kind.
The Young & The Hopeless
In this compelling new daytime drama, Ashley Abbott is a wealthy/immoral tech titan who has flown her private jet to her estate in New Zealand to escape the plague. Meanwhile, Billy Abbott, who believes he is her biological son but is actually the product of a love triangle featuring an ER doctor, a mail carrier, and an Uber Eats delivery driver, has come down with COVID-19 and threatens to fly to New Zealand to expose Ashely to the virus unless she pays him $10 million—in the mistaken belief that New Zealand allows anyone except rich white people to enter the country. Meanwhile, his real mother, the ER doctor Hope Adams, wants to reunite with her son, but she can’t because she’s now on a ventilator that may (or may not) be malfunctioning due to a design flaw that Ashley’s company is responsible for (but not yet publicly known).
The Last Days of Our Lives
Chad is sure his baby was swapped at birth, but can’t prove anything because during the COVID crisis all hospital records have been contaminated and are being burned one at a time to draw out the drama. Meanwhile, Gabi was shocked to find out that Stefan, who she’d assumed just had seasonal allergies, has the virus and now has to wear a surgical mask, making foreplay difficult. Little does she know that behind the mask it’s actually not Stefan, but his long-lost twin brother Steven, who does not have the virus but is just wearing the mask to hide his identity while he seduces Gabi. Stefan, however, actually does have the virus, but has been kidnapped by a group of right wingers who are seeking to extract antibodies and use them to create a vaccine to be used only in red states. Stefan, however, has secretly coughed on his kidnappers while they slept, and is now counting down the days until they lose lung function and he can escape.
The Bold and the Beautiful-Even-Without-Makeup-And-Haircuts
Flo is sure that Sally’s medical records have a hidden secret: that she was born a brunette. Now, thanks to COVID, Sally can’t get a dye job and her hidden past may come to light in, oh, about two-and-a-half more weeks. The problem is, Sally is no longer attracted to Wyatt because he tried to give himself a haircut and it did not go well. Meanwhile, Brooke and Quinn are mulling a wild night on the Vegas Strip, because they’re completely clueless about the virus and assume casinos are essential businesses. As it turns out, though, they learn that Indian casinos are actually exempt from social distancing and quarantine rules (because they have their own laws! Who knew? ) so it looks like they may be able to go casino crazy after all, as long as they are willing to drive to the Metlakatla community in Alaska. Which is all the way past Canada, which has closed its border, forcing a dangerous night crossing. Luckily, they both speak Canadian.
-- Josh Piven