Housebound - Day 36

No pants here!

From Fox News:
 
A Maryland police department reminded residents on Tuesday to put on pants when leaving the house to get the mail amid a statewide stay-at-home order meant to curb the spread of the coronavirus. “Please remember to put pants on before leaving the house to check your mailbox. You know who you are. This is your final warning,” Taneytown Police Department said on Facebook.
 
New COVID Regulations from Maryland State Police, effective immediately
 
Please refrain from backyard barbecuing while wearing only black crew socks.
 
We ask that you please not chat with your local UPS driver while trimming your nose-hair.

A new ordinance prohibits using a selfie stick to peep in your annoying  neighbor’s window and then posting the footage on Facebook while claiming you were hacked.
 
Please avoid greeting your mail carrier while wearing a black leather mask, 5-inch heels, and brandishing a bullwhip.
 
A new regulation requires that you not climb a ladder to clean out the gutters while wearing crotchless chaps and singing “I’m Too Sexy!”
 
Take care, Nancy, to avoid letting your bathrobe “accidentally” slip open when that sexy Ramón with the big biceps and easy smile drops off your Prime groceries.
 
If possible, we ask that you not mow the lawn naked while pretending your John Deere riding mower is a mechanical bull. C’mon, Phil, at 7am, really?
 
A new prohibition—no more warnings, Heather!—has been issued on tossing empty vodka bottles from the roof while screaming “I have to get out of this fucking house Jesus Christ I’m going fucking insane!”
 
We’d prefer it, Mary, if you did not stand on a second floor balcony while wearing a lacy bra and business slacks and shouting “I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan!”
 
A special order has been issued regarding kiddy pools being filled with lime Jello and used for live streaming co-ed naked wrestling events. Weekends only until further notice.
 
Special Statement: surgical masks go on the face.
 
-- Josh Piven