Housebound - Day 20
From the Times:
At one of the most perilous moments in modern American history, Jared Kushner is trying to marshal the forces of government for the war his father-in-law says he is waging. Mr. Kushner enlisted friends with glossy entrepreneurial backgrounds to help, [including] Nat Turner, a software entrepreneur who once ran a snake-breeding business out of his childhood bedroom. A senior official described them as “a frat party that descended from a U.F.O. and invaded the federal government.” Kushner has embedded dozens of political appointees and recruits from the private sector in critical spots like FEMA. His “impact team,” as he calls it, has been nicknamed the Slim Suit Crowd.
Jared Kushner: OK: Snake Eyes, let’s call this meeting to order.
Nat Turner: What about the paddling?
Kushner: The what?
Turner: We said all new pledges to the Impact Team get paddled. Part of the initiation ritual.
Kushner: Didn’t we say beer funnels?
Turner: Dude. Funnels are so lame. Plus beer makes you fat. We have these slim suits…
Kushner: True, true. OK, let’s line them up after the meeting.
Pledge #1: Permission to speak, Sir!
Kushner: You are a piece of human scum. <puffs on cigar> Permission granted.
Pledge #1: Sir, yes Sir! I am a piece of human scum, Sir! Sir, Governor Cuomo is saying they are in desperate need…
Kushner: What is your name, Pledge?
Pledge #1: Johnson, Sir.
Turner <snickers>: First name Dick?
Kushner <laughing>: C’mon Nat this is a serious meeting! Listen, Pledge: your Slim Suit pledge name is now... Little Johnson. And don’t lecture me about Cryin’ Cuomo. We are in charge of this crisis, not that d-bag. Anyway doesn’t he have the bug?
Turner: That’s his bro, dude. On CNN. Which totally stands for “Communist News Network!”
Kushner <laughing>: Dude, nice one! <They high five> You’ve got smarts. <puffs cigar> What if I put you on this ventilator deal? I think you could totally kill it.
Turner: Like, get rid of it?
Kushner: No, kill like do good at it. Like be in charge. Make it happen.
Turner: Totally, totally, bro. I’m on it. Let me Google ventilator. Then I’ll take over.
Kushner: Awesome awesome, I like the initiative.
Pledge #2: Um, excuse me…? Impact Team leaders? Permission to speak?
Kushner: Go ahead, shit bird.
Pledge #2: Well, Sirs, I know that you’re very busy with the Middle East Crisis and the Peace Plan and all…
Kushner: Been there, solved that. News flash: Jews win!
Pledge #2: … but I was thinking, like, what if we started calling this thing the Iranian Flu? Like, instead of the Chinese Virus, we, like, re-brand? Aren’t a lot of them getting sick over there? We could put it on the Iranians, and then we have more reason to bomb them later. Like, to “wipe out the virus.” With, like, napalm or some shit like that? Fire kills it, right? The bacterial?
Kushner <nodding>: Smart, kid. Very, very slick. What’s your name, son?
Pledge #2: Bush, Sir.
Turner: Bush? Like… from Yale?
Bush: Yes, Sir.
Kushner: I went to Harvard. Your Slim Suit pledge name is now... Bush League. Listen dudes, we need to wrap this thing up, I have a shitload of evictions to handle, lot of deadbeats suddenly not paying rent in Baltimore. Not sure what’s going on. So here’s the plan. Snake Eyes, you’re gonna get these ventilators made quick, like convert vacuum cleaners or some shit like that. Got it?
Turner: No prob, Chief.
Kushner: Bush League, you’re now elevated to the Impact Team. First order of business: buy a slim suit. Second, you’re on point for marketing and publicity on the rebranding. COVID-19 is now officially Iranian Flu. See if you can work in something about uranium enrichment, too.
Bush: I’m on it.
Pledge #1/Johnson: What about me, dudes? What’s my job?
Kushner: Little Johnson… I've thought a lot about this. You’re too green to have a major role on Impact. So, from now on, just go run FEMA.
Pledge #1/Johnson: FEMA? What’s that, Sir?
Kushner: No idea, bro-handy. Google it. Meeting adjourned.
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You know who I am, right? It's in the "bio" section. I'm the guy stuck at home.