Housebound - Day 16

The Trumpwich. Image courtesy of The Daily Dot

From the Times:

Two of the top doctors [Anthony Fauci and Deborah Birx] advising the White House on the coronavirus pandemic went together to the Oval Office with some sobering data to present to President Trump: Even with the aggressive measures in place in to slow the spread of the virus, as many as 200,000 Americans could die during the outbreak. “We showed him the data and he got it right away,” Dr. Anthony S. Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, said Monday morning during an appearance on CNN.

President Trump: Alright guys, come on in, let's get this done, I am very, very busy, as you know. I'm behind on my Tweets. We've got a fantastic breakfast buffet in the corner there, help yourselves. Breakfast sausages. Really good. Tremendously meaty.

<Birx and Fauci exchange worried glances>

Deborah Birx: Thanks, Mr, President, we're fine.

Trump <coughing>: You sure? Some melon there for you health nuts! It is the best melon, many people have said.

Anthony Fauci: Mr. President, can we go over these projections? The numbers are looking grim.

Trump: Listen, Tony, Debbie, I know I said Easter. Reopen the country. But I promised Jared: Now it's Passover. We've got to get the synagogues and all the delis open. I am a big fan of the Jews. No one loves the Jew and the Jewess more than me! And I also love pastrami, as you know. And corned beef, that's good too. Not as peppery, but a very good cured meat. 

Birx: Mr. President, let me show you this chart. It has projected deaths from COVID-19. Even if we continue with the social distancing...

Trump: What's that, Debbie, a bar chart? Listen, I can't stand those. Too confusing, all these towers, it's very, very bad. They don't make sense. Pie charts, Deb. Much, much better. Much more clear. Plus who doesn't like pie? Nobody. There's nobody who doesn't like pie. Tony, am I right?

Fauci: Mr. President, if you look here, at this bar, you can see that the country may be facing 100,000 to 200,000 deaths over the next few months.  

Trump: How many Democrats?

Fauci: What? How many of the potential fatalities will be registered Democrats? Is that what you're asking, Mr. President?

Birx: Sir, we can't know that. 

Trump: OK, well how many in New York City? That's close enough.

Fauci: Mr. President, if we could just focus here on the numbers. We cannot possibly open the country by Passover. Or Easter. 

Trump: April Fool's Day? Many, many people celebrate that. Major holiday.

Birx: No, Sir, that's in two days.

Trump: So what are you telling me? Forget these complicated "statistics!" <throws charts on the ground>. Just tell me the situation.

Birx: 200,000 people may die. We cannot reopen the country in April. Period.

Trump: OK, OK, Jesus, lady. I get it. So look: the US population is like 1.5 billion. So, in percentage terms, that's still low. The dead, I mean. Like 1%. Or less even, I don't have time to do the math, I'm very busy, but it's not that many, right? Like most of those people would be dying anyway, right? In car accidents and green energy explosions?

Fauci: Actually, just a slight correction, Mr. President, the US population is about 330 million. 

Trump: No, Fauci, we're in the billions, not the millions. Trust me. No real country is in the millions, You have to be in the billions, otherwise you're a loser country. Well, China has a few billion, but most of those are peasants, so they only count as like maybe half. 

Birx: Sir, with all due respect, we need you to issue an order recommending social distancing through April.

Trump: Debbie, sweetie. I know that the deaths are going to peak right around Easter. OK?

Fauci: You do? How do you know that?

Trump: Because that's what I posted on Twitter this morning. Easter. We're going to time the deaths with the anniversary of the resurrection. That's what will make the best memes. I'll use them on social media. For my campaign. "You died, but Christ came back." It's catchy, isn't it? Like as a slogan? I need the evangelicals.

Birx: Sir, if I could just...

Trump: And one more thing. Let's make sure everyone knows about the emails.

Fauci: Emails?

Trump: Hillary's! The warnings about the virus were in the missing emails! That's why we were not prepared! It's Hillary. She's ruining Easter. And Passover. 

Birx: Sir, about the closures...

Trump: OK! OK! Man you are a pushy broad. Fine. We'll keep the country closed through April. We'll make your "cure" worse than this CUPID disease. But I want everyone to know one critical piece of information.

Fauci: What's that?

Trump: The back nine at Mar-a-Lago is playable! Now get the hell out of here. And take the melon.

--Josh Piven