Housebound - D-Day+10

Emergency provisions. Bird seed keeps well. We can't live on Gummi Bears alone! One hour, half gone.

I just read that Amazon Prime may be making a decision to delay shipments of "non-essential products" for up to a month.

Let me be clear: I don't know in what universe a 5lb bag of Gummi Bears is considered non-essential. But I know I do NOT want to live there. 

I almost spilled a nearly-full bottle of Purell hand sanitizer today. 

I know what you're thinking: What is his address, and will anyone notice if he "disappears"?

​I do feel somewhat guilty for having a bottle, especially since hand washing works just as well. But sorry, they will have to pry it out of my cold, dead hands--and I won't be dead! Because: Purell hand sanitizer! 

Took my inexorable afternoon walk  today. Now I know how a dog feels: just rattle the keys and I’m running all over the house in excitement. 

People still don’t get social distancing. I’m ready to put a sign on my jacket: KEEP BACK 6 FEET! Seriously people, don’t crowd me. I bite. 

Has anyone been intimate with their partner since the pestilence? Aside from the general stress weighing us down every waking (and many sleeping) hour, do we even think this is a good idea? Love In The Time of Corona? 

Putting aside the fact that trolling the bars is a non-starter, even for those cohabitating, is cuddling really a good idea? Because if we haven’t yet infected (or been infected by) those around us, isn’t intimacy pretty much a guaranteed means of doing so?

Not if you follow these newly-released official government instructions. 

CDC-Approved Guidelines for COVID-19-era Intimacy

Lack of adherence to the following instructions may result in procreation. 

1. Each participating adult shall put on a white Tyvek suit (the kind you see on CSI. C’mon, you know.) The zipper goes in the front, doofus. 

2. Place swim or ski goggles over the eyes. If no goggles are available, cover the eyes with Saran Wrap.™

3. Place mittens or thick ski gloves on hands. (Note: Do NOT use disposable rubber gloves! Those may only be used by medical professionals gettin’ jiggy with it.)

4. Cover the mouth and nose with a bandana. Tie in the back, like you’re robbing a train.

5. Check partner’s health insurance card for future expiration date. 

6. Sit side by side on couch. Hold hands.

7. Watch Sophie's Choice.


--Josh Piven