 Let's get America back to work! From Buzzfeed News:
Governors in Georgia, Texas, Tennessee, and South Carolina have announced plans to allow some businesses to open their doors in the next couple weeks. States said they're eager to restart their local economies, even as new cases of COVID-19 are reported. Oval Office Meeting Trump: Come in, guys, I’m very very busy, let’s have this meeting. Take those masks off, that’s just for the press. Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp: Wow, never been in here, this is swanky. Tennessee Gov. Bill Lee: Are those chocolates free? Trump: You can have one after the meeting. Listen, we need to reopen the country in two days. I know I can count on you. What’s the plan? South Carolina Gov. Henry McMaster: We’re going to test everyone before we reopen. Trump: For the virus? McMaster: Nah, swim tests. We’re opening the beaches first. Trump: Nice, I like it. We need crowded beaches. Social distancing is for blue states. Texas Gov. Greg Abbott: In the great State of Texas, all our emergency first responders are getting pay raises. Trump: Doctors and nurses? Abbott: No. Lifeguards. We have a lot of beaches too. Trump: Good, very smart, whatever-your-name-is. Make sure they’re tan, too, we want everyone looking healthy. What’s the plan for the sick people? Abbot: The what now? Kemp: Sir, let me tell you about this special emergency transportation system we’ve created. We’re calling it the Coughing Coach. We put all the sick people on buses and send them to New York City. For free! Trump: <laughing> Cryin’ Cuomo won’t like that! McMaster: Mr. President, Suh, if I could interject? Trump: Inter-what? McMaster: In the Great Confederate State of South Caro-lie-nuh we want to get all the golf courses, country clubs, and whites-only beaches open as soon as possible. Normally, we have a big hankerin’ for fascism and the Klan. But we need to get the fedril guvment off our backs. Get rid of that welfare and all that money ya’ll been dole’n out. Do ya’ll think we could secede again? For ‘ole time’s sake? Trump: Which Dakota are you again? Kemp: Sir, the great State of Georgia wants to celebrate the re-opening of America with a big parade, ball games, and bar-b-cues. We’d love it if you could come down and give a big ‘ole speech to a big ‘ole crowd of people. Like old times. Trump: You mean like… one of my rallies? It’s been so long! Kemp: Yessir. We’ll keep all the virus spreaders in the way back. With the journalists. Lee: Now hold on there, pardner! We want to have the first Trump rally! We were the last state to close, so it’s only fair if we’re the first to re-open. Hell, it’s only been like a week. My pulled pork sandwich is still warm! Trump: Don’t fight boys, you’ll all get your Trumptime, don’t worry, we’re going to open up the country and Keep America Great. Not Great Depression great, the other kind. This Oriental virus will be gone by summer, my medical expert says so. Kemp: Fauci? Trump: No. Fox News. Lee: Are we done? Can I have a chocolate? -- Josh Piven
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 Planning the next family vacation! A selection of recent headlines
Federal judge blocks Kansas limits on religious gatherings (Politico) Darwinism in the COVID era! Love it! COVID-19 Is Leaving Its Mark On The Cannabis Industry, Insiders Say (Huffpost) Hacking cough: COVID or big bong hit? Porn Is ‘Free’ During Coronavirus and Right-Wingers Are Losing Their Minds Over It (DailyBeast) We’ve finally found an industry that doesn’t require a bailout! Huzzah! Would You Care if a White Man Cured Covid-19? (Wall Street Journal, paywall) What. The. Fuck. does this even mean? Michael Cohen will be released from prison due to pandemic (CNN) Begs Trump not to shoot him on Fifth Avenue The ‘Journalist’ Who Blamed Trump for Someone Drinking Fish Tank Cleaner Strikes Again (RedState) Speaking as someone who’s contemplated many a Draino cocktail since Trump was elected… Pennsylvania liquor stores to offer curbside pickup starting Monday (Inquirer) “Um, Sir, could you not chug that entire handle of Jack on the sidewalk…” ‘Very, Very Scary’: Officials Dumbfounded as Florida Beaches Reopen, 3 Days After Death Spike (DailyBeast) Can’t Florida just secede already? Seriously. Would Cuba accept it? Like as a gift? Trump Sons’ Romantic Partners Reportedly Receive $180,000 a Year From Reelection Campaign (Slate) The sad lesson of Stormy Daniels: Just put ‘em on the payroll already! -- Josh Piven  No pants here! From Fox News:
A Maryland police department reminded residents on Tuesday to put on pants when leaving the house to get the mail amid a statewide stay-at-home order meant to curb the spread of the coronavirus. “Please remember to put pants on before leaving the house to check your mailbox. You know who you are. This is your final warning,” Taneytown Police Department said on Facebook. New COVID Regulations from Maryland State Police, effective immediately Please refrain from backyard barbecuing while wearing only black crew socks. We ask that you please not chat with your local UPS driver while trimming your nose-hair. A new ordinance prohibits using a selfie stick to peep in your annoying neighbor’s window and then posting the footage on Facebook while claiming you were hacked. Please avoid greeting your mail carrier while wearing a black leather mask, 5-inch heels, and brandishing a bullwhip. A new regulation requires that you not climb a ladder to clean out the gutters while wearing crotchless chaps and singing “I’m Too Sexy!” Take care, Nancy, to avoid letting your bathrobe “accidentally” slip open when that sexy Ramón with the big biceps and easy smile drops off your Prime groceries. If possible, we ask that you not mow the lawn naked while pretending your John Deere riding mower is a mechanical bull. C’mon, Phil, at 7am, really? A new prohibition—no more warnings, Heather!—has been issued on tossing empty vodka bottles from the roof while screaming “I have to get out of this fucking house Jesus Christ I’m going fucking insane!” We’d prefer it, Mary, if you did not stand on a second floor balcony while wearing a lacy bra and business slacks and shouting “I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan!” A special order has been issued regarding kiddy pools being filled with lime Jello and used for live streaming co-ed naked wrestling events. Weekends only until further notice. Special Statement: surgical masks go on the face. -- Josh Piven  What mask are YOU? From the Times:
Face masks have become an emblem in the fight against the coronavirus, with officials in the United States and elsewhere recommending — and in some cases requiring — that people wear them to help slow the spread of the deadly outbreak. Here’s a look at some of the types of masks you might encounter, how they work, what to consider when making your own and the level of protection they could provide. New mask options and what they say about you. Paper bag with holes cut out mask New Orleans Saints fan Nixon mask You are not a crook Pantyhose mask You are a crook Fancy mask on a long stick You think you’re a French aristocrat Tiny strip of black cloth mask You’re the Riddler Mask with round ears You’re in the Mickey Mouse Club Burlap sack mask You’ve been kidnapped by ISIS Wet burlap sack mask You’ve been waterboarded by the CIA Mask made from an actual human face You’re Hannibal Lecter Diamond-encrusted mask You’re Elton John or Liberace. Clay mask You’re a teen with pimples Salvador Dali mask You’re a fan of Casa de Papel Mask made from scarf You’re Lawrence of Arabia Tiger mask You’re Carol Baskin No mask You’re Superman. Or Trump. --Josh Piven  There's essential. And then there's "Florida Essential." From the Times:
In Florida, World Wrestling Entertainment has found itself among the services considered “essential,” according to Mayor Jerry L. Demings of Orange County. “With some conversations with the governor’s office regarding the governor’s order, they were deemed an essential business. Therefore, they were allowed to remain open.” Other Florida businesses recently re-classified as “essential” by Gov. Ron DeSantis: Morrie’s Brisket Pickup only, 20 lb minimum. Because if you can eat it all, Bubbula, it’s not hoarding. Big Al’s Alligator Farm Delivery only. We bring the ‘gators to you. What happens after that is your business/problem. Rascal’s Diner Must be over 80, takeout only. Bring your own Tupperware. Dinner only. Service begins at 3pm, ends at 4pm. Sun-spot Tanning Salon Tanning beds open 9-5 Must be fully clothed, masked, and gloved. No refunds for tan lines. Disney’s COVID Kingdom Drop the kids off daily for free testing by a princess Lines will be really fucking long. Mom’s Tattoo Parlor Drive-through only, stick arm out car window. No laser removals. Jimmy’s Bait and Tackle Fish in our blow-up pool out back! Catch and release only. Nightcrawlers not included. Applebees COVID-19 is the least of your problems. Florida Marlins Baseball Trust us, no one will be sitting within 60 yards. Shadytime Bank Cartel deposits only. Cash only. Hours 2am – 4am Ocean Breezes Motel Pay by the hour. Kissing not permitted. Brooklyn Tony’s Deep Sea “Fishing” Midnight “tours” only.” Cement not included. See the bottom of the ocean, up close? Fuggetaboutit! Ronny “Swampy” DeSantis’s Virtual Everglades Tours Videogame console purchase required. Campaign contribution highly recommended. All the sites, none of the bites! Mar-a-Lago “Winter White House” Re-open? Hell, we were never closed! Visit South Florida’s newest “hot spot!” -- Josh Piven  The original Tiger King Have you been watching Tiger King? Of course you have, because what else is there to to do? I think my main takeaway from the show is this: If you do a shitload of meth, it’s going to be really difficult to eat the expired Walmart meat. Now we know who to blame for throwing the election to Trump: Joe Exotic. If only Hillary had given out campaign condoms, things might’ve been so different… Aside from the fact that Joe Exotic should’ve been jailed by the fashion police long before he went to prison, Tiger King tells a very familiar story: An attractive, fashionable young woman marries a much older businessman for his money, and then is really upset by online bullying. If only she could bury her husband under the septic tank! (You know, allegedly.) I’m not a huge fan of US libel laws, but here’s the thing: If someone has an Internet TV show where they make fun of you by using a blow up doll, named for you, that they first stick a dildo in; then say they want to put a cap in your ass; and then explode said blow up doll with a handgun… well, I’m not a lawyer but that might possibly be damaging to one’s reputation. One sign you’ve been married too many times is that your surname is Schreibvogel-Maldonado-Passage-Exotic-Prisoner#4356896. Someone, somewhere in the gay marriage movement must be asking Is this our fault?? I realize that the South is… different. But watching that show, I have to say I have not seen so many white people line up for a tiger show since Siegfried & Roy were at the Mirage (and you know how that one turned out). Meanwhile, the nagging question we’re left with is this: with the COVID pandemic and the massive run on groceries, does Walmart actually have any expired meat left? And, if they don’t, well, who are Joe’s tigers eating now? -- Josh Piven
Sorry, but pandemic-era Zoom has definitely jumped the shark.
It’s not just that this “free” software wants to access all your contacts; or that it collects and shares your (“anonymized”… riiiight ) data; or that it’s replaced in-person teaching for the foreseeable future; or that it’s so insecure that school kids have been “zoombombed” (barf) with Nazi propaganda and porn; or that the Dems have called for an investigation of the company; or that everyone’s 80 year old Poppy is now discovering their 10-year-old Webcam and needs hours of help to figure it out; or that SNL did a skit mocking it, while at the same time doing a show using it (meta-meta, or something); or that "Zoom Easters" and Passovers and birthdays and Bat Mitzvahs and weddings and funerals and for all I know marriage consummations are now a thing. No, it’s not any of those things that truly annoy me. It’s that anyone of a certain age remembers when Zoom was a cool-ass TV show on PBS, and, perhaps, when “Who’s Zoomin’ Who?” was a painfully bad Aretha Franklin song from the ‘80s. COVID has now ruined those awesomely nostalgic associations and instead replaced them with . . . crappy videoconferencing. And what the hell happened to Skype? Didn’t they basically invent that market? I think Microsoft bought them and then killed them. A sign of these times is that I'm currently working on a scenario called, "How To Survive An Early-Morning Videoconference When You’ve Over-Slept" over there on my other blog, at worstcasescenario.com. (Yeah, that's right, I have two blogs. What of it?) And the really scary part is that most of the advice is based on real life. Because haven't we all Zoomed in our pajama bottoms? Which is like the Zoom version of a mullet: All business on top; lazy loser on the bottom. I had three Zoom happy hours this weekend, including two back-to-back because the people on the other end were in locations two time zones apart. I tell you, this drunk videoconferencing is exhausting. And I'm feeling over-scheduled without even leaving the house. I long for the days when my Webcam was covered with a piece of tape. --- Josh Piven
It. Finally. Happened.
Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf closed the schools for the rest of the year. Two. More. Months. And the chances of summer camps and summer jobs for teens now seem pretty close to, say, winning the lottery. (Is there still a lottery? Is gambling an essential service?) I really don’t know how we’re all going to make it through this quaran-teen. Here’s a recent conversation: Teen #1: Dad, why are you guys going out so much! We’re not supposed to go out! You’re putting us all at risk! Me: Because we still need to eat. I’m going out to get groceries. After I return from the grocery store: Teen #1: Where’s the microwave popcorn? Teen #2: Don’t they have any of the good toilet paper? Spouse: No White Cheddar Cheez-Its? Teen #1: Dad, you got me two bottles of conditioner! Me: Yes… so I don’t have to go out as often. Teen #1: But Dad, I only sent you a picture of the conditioner bottle as an example. I also needed shampoo! Me: I will go back tomorrow. Teen #1: Dad! No! You’re going to get us all sick! Stop going outside! It's too risky! We are truly in Bizzarro World now. Here’s a sample of things I’ve done recently that I have never, ever done: 1) Visited my over-70 parents to drop off: four bottles of Rosé and two boxes of… Raisin Bran. Breakfast of Champions! 2) Made matzoh “crack.” What is this? you’re wondering. It’s when you coat four sheets of matzoh with two sticks of melted butter and then cover the whole deal with lots of sugar and chocolate chips and chill overnight in the fridge. It’s the only way matzoh is edible, and is very, very hard to stop eating (hence the nickname). Then you spend the next two days straining on the toilet. 3) Ran the “blockade” to Jersey to get liquor. (If you’re PA State Police, please stop reading here.) Pennsylvania has a State Store system, and the governor deemed liquor non-essential. (Yet, somehow, the beer distributors are open. You can figure this one out.) So, risking massive fines ($25/bottle), confiscation of purchases, and possible jail, I put on a wig (even longer than my real hair!) and fake mustache and drove to New Jersey. The liquor store not only required a mask to enter, but had hand sanitizer stations set up to enter and exit. All employees were masked. Plexiglass in front of the cashiers. If only we could protect our supermarket workers like this! Meanwhile, I had the fingerless driving gloves and the nitrous system in the car all ready to go, expecting some Cannonball Run-esque race back home where I had to outrun five cops, sirens wailing, and make it over the bridge. Turns out, smuggling liquor during a pandemic is surprisingly serene. Governor Wolf, I’m begging you: Please, please re-open the State Stores so I can pay more for a terrible selection. Please. -- Josh Piven  From Politico:
The National Rifle Association has laid off more than 60 employees in recent weeks, according to three people with knowledge of the matter. "On March 22, it was announced and widely reported that the NRA would be implementing a number of permanent and temporary staff reductions along with other cost-cutting measures, just like many other corporations and nonprofits as a result of the extraordinary impacts from the Covid-19 crisis,” said Andrew Arulanandam, who heads the group's public affairs. NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre told its board of directors last month that layoffs were coming and that it would cut remaining employees’ salaries, according to multiple reports. LaPierre, who made more than $2 million in 2018, would also take an unspecified pay cut. March, 2020 NRA Board Meeting Transcript Wayne LaPierre: Ok, guns down fellas, we’re gonna get started. Andrew Arulanandam <polishing Colt>: All guns, or just long guns? LaPierre: Just holster it, Andrew, would you? Arulanandam: OK OK! Jeez. Still locked and loaded, though! LaPierre: Gentleman, I’ve got some very bad news to share. Board Member #1: Is this about the shooting at my ranch last month? Because I already told you my wife should not have been messing in the kitchen in the middle of the night! I couldn’t see anything! LaPierre: No. And how is Debbie, by the way? Board Member #1: Recovering. Arulanandam: <chuckles> She won’t make that mistake twice! Board Member #1: What can I say? I’m a crack shot! <laughter> LaPierre: Listen men, I’m sure you’ve heard about our finances. We’re bleeding cash. Because of the virus. Board Member #2: I say we close the border, send in the militia, and shoot to kill. LaPierre: How is that going to help with the virus? Board Member #2: I thought you said migrants. LaPierre: Ah. No, that's next month’s agenda. Excuse me… Frank? Frank: Yeah, Chief? LaPierre: Do I see a snub-nose .38 peeking out from under today’s agenda? I said no firearms at the table. Frank: Ain’t nobody gonna take my hideout piece. LaPierre: Lord. OK. If we can just get back on track. We’re gonna have to let a few staff members go. There’s a list on your agenda. Now: which names here would you say are least likely to shoot up the place when they get the bad news? <silence> LaPierre: Ok. Well… how many are convicted felons? Arulanandam: Uh… I think pretty much all of them, Wayne. <chuckles> Hell I thought Leon was still inside! Board Member #2: Won’t they get unemployment, though? LaPierre: That’s deep state welfare. We don’t pay into that. Board Member #2: Lordy, you’ve got Mary on here? I get all my hollow-point ammo from her! Arulanandam: We’d all better wear Kevlar to the next meeting. LaPierre: OK, listen, let’s move on. I had Comms shoot this video, it’s an appeal to membership for donations during the corona crisis. Take a look. <video rolls. LaPierre is dressed head to toe in camouflage hunting gear, field dressing a three-point buck next to a pickup.> Wayne LaPierre Greetings fellow lover of freedom. I hope this message finds you well—and well armed—at this difficult time. The crisis engulfing our nation is a lot like this three-pointer: it is spreading rapidly and widely, and if nothing is done, it will continue reproducing and spreading, until it has taken over. It must be stopped dead. Fortunately, this Chinese Virus seems to prefer the urban environment, where unarmed liberals don’t stand a chance. But we Real Americans should be ready, because infections—like bad ideas—eventually make their way into the Heartland. <picks up dead buck’s head, points it to camera> This fellow didn’t see it coming. But we do. Now more than ever, we need to protect our families, and our property. There have now been 13,000 deaths from COVID-19 in America. In just three more days, that could match the 15,000 killed by guns last year (excluding suicides; they would have just used pills anyway). This is getting serious. We’ve had to cancel many of our gun shows and conferences, which means it may now take a ridiculously long 48 hours to obtain a new firearm. And we’re having to cut our budget, too. I am doing my part. I’m donating one-half of one percent of my $2 million salary to the first responders: the armed ones, naturally. Now, for less than a dollar a day, you can save the job of an NRA employee. Remember, these critical staffers are on the front lines—not the hospitals, the other ones—fighting for your right to own ten or more semiautomatic rifles. Now more than ever, marauding bands of looters might be on their way to your home, ready to cough on you and steal your canned goods. And this time, they’re not coming from Mexico. Don’t wait until it’s too late! Send your donations now, so we can fight this virus the right way: with an armed response. -- Josh Piven  This is not malaria! From the Times:
Ignoring Expert Opinion, Trump Again Promotes Use of Hydroxychloroquine President Trump doubled down Sunday on his push for the use of an anti-malarial drug against the coronavirus, issuing medical advice that goes well beyond scant evidence of the drug’s effectiveness as well as the advice of doctors and public health experts. Mr. Trump’s recommendation of hydroxychloroquine, for the second day in a row at a White House briefing, was a striking example of his brazen willingness to distort and outright defy expert opinion and scientific evidence when it does not suit his agenda. Script for new TV commercial for Hydroxychloroquine Scene Mom, slightly dim young son, and slightly older daughter sit around a dinner table. Dinner is almost finished. Dad staggers in front door, dripping sweat and looking feverish. Mother My goodness, honey, you’re late for dinner! And you look terrible! Father <coughing heavily> I feel awful. Chills and fever. I think I might have COVID-19. Voice Over Are you experiencing feeling awful? Are you finding it difficult to get through the day due to coughing fits and shortness of breath? There may be a new treatment for you. Daughter Dad, you’re very sick. It sounds like you should get a prescription for Snakeoileum. Mother Snakeoileum? What’s that, dear? Daughter It’s a miracle cure the President says we should all take if we get the Chinese Virus. Father <gasping> Will it work? Daughter It may! Or it may not! Son Snakeoileum? That sounds dangerous. Is it safe? Voice Over Snakeoileum is the brand name for Hydroxychloroquine. Hydroxychloroquine is an anti-malarial. There is zero clinical evidence that Hydroxychloroquine is effective to treat COVID-19. You should talk with your doctor if you experience symptoms of COVID-19 and you’re considering Snakeoileum. Virtually all health professionals say it’s a really bad fucking idea to take Snakeoileum off-label for this disease. Side effects include death. Daughter Dad, the President says we’re stockpiling Snakeoileum. He says we have 29 million doses! Son That’s a lot of doses, sis! Father <now holding onto wall to stay upright, gasping for breath> If…we…have…<coughs> so many… doses… It must help. Right? Daughter The President says he’s not a doctor. But he says you have nothing to lose! Mother But how do we get this miracle drug, Snakeoileum? Voice Over Snakeoileum is currently in the federal stockpile, which is not there for the states to use. It’s federal, so you may need to fuck off. Talk to your doctor. Snakeoileum may be available on the black market soon, or at Trump Hotels. Before taking Snakeoileum, make sure your life insurance is up to date. Mother Thank goodness our government is looking out for us, stockpiling critically needed drugs! Honey… are you sure it’s not malaria? -- Josh Piven |
AuthorYou know who I am, right? It's in the "bio" section. I'm the guy stuck at home. Archives
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