Housebound: Day 5

Hurricane? Tornado? Fire? Nope: COVID-19. Photo courtesy of Phila Inquirer

This is what it’s come to:

In my household, we try to determine if someone’s cough is functionally “wet” or “dry.” Wet = phlegm or too much red wine. Dry = potential virulence. At this point I’m 75% sure all four of us are carriers. I keep a thermometer on standby in case my headache seems non-alcohol-induced. 

Three days ago I marked a toilet paper roll with the date. (Said no one, ever!) I was curious to see how long our relatively meager stash would last. So, I wrote the date on the inside of the cardboard. Needless to say, with three females in our house, the results are grim: Three days per roll. And that’s the double rolls. The singles go before lunch. I’m either going to institute a five-square limit, or teach the girls “the shake.” 

Today, for the very first time, I tried to order our groceries via Amazon Prime and have Whole Foods deliver them. In the hour it took me to figure out the system, every single item in my cart was reported as “out of stock.” The f-ing Red Boat fish sauce? Out of stock? Is everyone in Philadelphia who isn’t on a ventilator suddenly making Bahn Mi with Nuoc Chom? The algorithms are laughing at us. Where is Amazon’s vaunted business intelligence? This has to be some major block chain disaster. Whatever the hell block chain is. What’s the Amazon-controlled, 21st century-version of bread lines? 

I heard a hospital ship is now heading  to New York with 1,000 beds. Estimated arrival time: “a few months.” Is it under sail? Are they rowing it here?

Didn’t I watch a time-lapse video of the Chinese building an entire hospital in like a week? Granted, some called it a “prison” but… details!

My doctor emailed. All elective procedures are delayed. I’m 50 next year. If this thing doesn’t go away soon, my colonoscopy may be rescheduled. Every dark cloud...

 --Josh Piven