Housebound: Day 4

Today, we begin on a high note:

We’re reducing global carbon emissions big time!  We’ll be in good shape going forward just as soon as we revert to a fully hunter/gatherer economy. Mid summer, perhaps. The ice sheets have their revenge.

A list of things I really miss:

Bad rush hour traffic
Bad non-rush hour traffic
Traffic
My retirement savings
The days we knowingly mocked people who used hand sanitizer that “didn’t really do anything”
Crowded bars
Uncrowded bars
Bars
The loud parties of the renters on my block
The utterly relaxing mode of travel known as flying
Hour-long waits at mediocre restaurants
Restaurants
Being able to do at least one thing offline: shop for groceries
Complaining about work colleagues in person
When my hands weren't as dry as peanut brittle all the f-ing time 
When my allergies were just allergies and not potential plague
When “food riot” was just a Venezuelan concept
Cottony-soft Cottonelle

I took a nice walk today and was passed on the sidewalk by a group of 20-somethings strolling side by side. They might as well carry a sign that says “Asymptomatic Super Spreaders.” I’m not a doctor (though I do enjoy doctor jokes) but isn’t social distancing on the short-list for Oxford phrase of the year? Oh the humanity!

Because I found the news much too upbeat, last night I watched S3Ep1 of Westworld, followed by Ep1 of The Plot Against America. One imagines a dystopian future, the other imagines a dystopian past. And in between: The present! My wife had to pry the booze and sleeping pills out of my hands. 

Tonight: Teletubbies.

--Josh Piven