Housebound - Day 25

From Politico:
 
The National Rifle Association has laid off more than 60 employees in recent weeks, according to three people with knowledge of the matter. "On March 22, it was announced and widely reported that the NRA would be implementing a number of permanent and temporary staff reductions along with other cost-cutting measures, just like many other corporations and nonprofits as a result of the extraordinary impacts from the Covid-19 crisis,” said Andrew Arulanandam, who heads the group's public affairs. NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre told its board of directors last month that layoffs were coming and that it would cut remaining employees’ salaries, according to multiple reports. LaPierre, who made more than $2 million in 2018, would also take an unspecified pay cut.
 
March, 2020 NRA Board Meeting Transcript
 
Wayne LaPierre: Ok, guns down fellas, we’re gonna get started.
 
Andrew Arulanandam <polishing Colt>: All guns, or just long guns?
 
LaPierre: Just holster it, Andrew, would you?
 
Arulanandam: OK OK! Jeez. Still locked and loaded, though!
 
LaPierre: Gentleman, I’ve got some very bad news to share.
 
Board Member #1: Is this about the shooting at my ranch last month? Because I already told you my wife should not have been messing in the kitchen in the middle of the night! I couldn’t see anything!
 
LaPierre: No. And how is Debbie, by the way?
 
Board Member #1: Recovering.
 
Arulanandam: <chuckles> She won’t make that mistake twice!
 
Board Member #1: What can I say? I’m a crack shot! <laughter>
 
LaPierre: Listen men, I’m sure you’ve heard about our finances. We’re bleeding cash. Because of the virus.
 
Board Member #2: I say we close the border, send in the militia, and shoot to kill.
 
LaPierre: How is that going to help with the virus?
 
Board Member #2: I thought you said migrants.
 
LaPierre: Ah. No, that's next month’s agenda. Excuse me… Frank?
 
Frank: Yeah, Chief?
 
LaPierre: Do I see a snub-nose .38 peeking out from under today’s agenda? I said no firearms at the table.
 
Frank: Ain’t nobody gonna take my hideout piece.
 
LaPierre: Lord. OK. If we can just get back on track. We’re gonna have to let a few staff members go. There’s a list on your agenda. Now: which names here would you say are least likely to shoot up the place when they get the bad news?
 
<silence>
 
LaPierre: Ok. Well… how many are convicted felons?
 
Arulanandam: Uh… I think pretty much all of them, Wayne. <chuckles> Hell I thought Leon was still inside!
 
Board Member #2: Won’t they get unemployment, though?
 
LaPierre: That’s deep state welfare. We don’t pay into that.
 
Board Member #2: Lordy, you’ve got Mary on here? I get all my hollow-point ammo from her!
 
Arulanandam: We’d all better wear Kevlar to the next meeting.
 
LaPierre: OK, listen, let’s move on. I had Comms shoot this video, it’s an appeal to membership for donations during the corona crisis. Take a look.
 
<video rolls. LaPierre is dressed head to toe in camouflage hunting gear, field dressing a three-point buck next to a pickup.>
 
 
 
Wayne LaPierre
 
Greetings fellow lover of freedom.
 
I hope this message finds you well—and well armed—at this difficult time. The crisis engulfing our nation is a lot like this three-pointer: it is spreading rapidly and widely, and if nothing is done, it will continue reproducing and spreading, until it has taken over. It must be stopped dead. Fortunately, this Chinese Virus seems to prefer the urban environment, where unarmed liberals don’t stand a chance. But we Real Americans should be ready, because infections—like bad ideas—eventually make their way into the Heartland.
 
<picks up dead buck’s head, points it to camera>
 
This fellow didn’t see it coming.
 
But we do. Now more than ever, we need to protect our families, and our property. There have now been 13,000 deaths from COVID-19 in America. In just three more days, that could match the 15,000 killed by guns last year (excluding suicides; they would have just used pills anyway). This is getting serious.
 
We’ve had to cancel many of our gun shows and conferences, which means it may now take a ridiculously long 48 hours to obtain a new firearm. And we’re having to cut our budget, too. I am doing my part. I’m donating one-half of one percent of my $2 million salary to the first responders: the armed ones, naturally.
 
Now, for less than a dollar a day, you can save the job of an NRA employee. Remember, these critical staffers are on the front lines—not the hospitals, the other ones—fighting for your right to own ten or more semiautomatic rifles. Now more than ever, marauding bands of looters might be on their way to your home, ready to cough on you and steal your canned goods. And this time, they’re not coming from Mexico. Don’t wait until it’s too late! Send your donations now, so we can fight this virus the right way: with an armed response.
 
-- Josh Piven