Housebound: Day 3

I measured our mixing bowls today. For my inevitable haircut. 

Most of them are too big unless I wait at least a month. My stylist recommends dreads. I used a photo filter and, honestly, I look surprisingly good. I could, of course, just shave my head. Which will come in handy during the inevitable run on shampoo.

The cat is still unclear on what the hell everyone is doing in the house all day. (That makes two of us.) I’m beginning to think this is more traumatic for him than for us. Little does he know by May he’ll be sharing his food. I am partial to salmon, so there’s that.

I was turned away at Trader Joes today. Not because I didn’t have a tattoo or a piercing. Because: social distancing. “The store is too crowded now, please come back later.” Later: like when the only thing left is the rock-hard pre-cut mango.

This morning my daughter informed me we were out of toothpaste, and refused to use my “old man” Sensodyne. She also didn’t appreciate my suggestion of using a twig. Back to CVS, where there’s truckloads of medications and still zero toilet paper. Don’t people realize that Metamucil is a binding agent?

This afternoon I got a wonderful news alert on my phone: We may all be getting checks  from the government! Finally, a Trump Dividend. I’m thinking I’ll spend mine on takeout. Or toilet paper. It’s not clear how much each check will be, but it’s times like these that I’m really glad I bought those three stolen social security numbers from Russian hackers. Be Prepared.

I’m beginning to come around to the idea that drinking at home all day and watching Gilligan’s Island may not be that productive. I do want to do my part for the economy. So I’m switching to QVC. 

I read today that Amazon is about to bring 100,000 new workers online because of the uptick in virus-related demand for delivered goods. If just nine-tenths of those workers are robots, well… that will limit the community spread in Seattle.

Can’t Jeff Bezos just send us the checks?

--Josh Piven