Housebound - Day 12

I can't take this level of structure!

A selection of recent headlines (with their sources).

“Do I Need to Stop Sleeping With New Guys Because of the Coronavirus?” (Slate)
Yes, shit for brains, you do. Make a goddamn sandwich and watch porn, like the rest of us.

“Things Suck Right Now, Buy Some Candles” (Daily Beast)
Because you buying candles is going to save 3 million jobs. Soy is best. You know, for the planet.

“Coronavirus efforts shift consumer interest toward booze, guns” (Axios)
GTFO! Really? Booze and guns? Not candles?

“Kentucky Legislature passes controversial voter photo ID bill” (LA Times)
1. Voter suppression efforts: Check! 
2. Global pandemic response: Let’s take a vote, shall we? 

“Tom Brady Makes It Official, Signs With Tampa Bay Buccaneers” (NPR)
Good. Timing. Tom. Just like when you caught that pass against the Eagles in the Superbowl. Oh, that’s right, you didn’t. 

“Princess Cruises had poor track record of illness before coronavirus” (USA Today)
STFU! Really? You’re telling me those 3000-person floating petri dishes may have been dangerous?  Norwalk virus wasn’t fake news?
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And, finally: 
Long-time readers of Housebound (you know, since last week; it just seems like forever) know that here we have an unhealthy--or, more charitably, excessively hygienic--obsession with toilet paper, and potential shortages thereof. Here’s a story showing that we are not, in fact, nuts.

“Deputies pull over stolen trailer full of toilet paper in Guildford Co.” (WECT6 News)
18,000 pounds of toilet tissue, folks. Remember when it was just untaxed cigarettes? How I long for those simpler times.

--Josh Piven