From CBS News:
A roughly 2-inch long insect known as the "murder hornet" has made its way to the U.S. for the first time ever, researchers said. The Asian giant hornet, Vespa mandarinia, has been known to kill up to 50 people a year in Japan, according to The New York Times, and has the potential to devastate U.S. bee populations, which have already been declining. 
 
Trump Press Conference on Murder Hornets
 
Trump: OK, let’s get started here, I’m leaving to tour a mask factory soon. You all know about the newest Asian invader, this animal. Well many people think of it as an animal, or a small bird of some kind, like maybe a Hummingbird. But it’s really a bug. Not a bug like a virus but the other kind.
 
Anthony Fauci: An insect, Mr. President.
 
Trump: Don’t correct, me Tony.
 
Fauci: Yes, Sir. I mean, no, Sir.
 
Trump: So listen: everyone is all worked up about this thing, this wasp or whatever. Hornet, many people are calling it. Murder Hornet. Which does sound very, very bad, very dangerous. But I’m here to tell you we have this thing under control.
 
Reporter #1: But isn’t it here already, and spreading?
 
Trump: That is a very stupid question. Are you a stinger bug expert? Because I know a lot about these things. There’s like maybe one or two isolated Murderous Hornets on the West Coast. Where they belong. We have them under control.
 
Reporter #2: But Sir, they have been seen in several states already.
 
Trump: Did you see them?
 
Reporter #2: Well, no, not personally but…
 
Trump: Then you don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s like the same two hornets, moving around, flying, and people say they are spreading. But what if it’s two male hornets? Or two girl ones? How would they reproduce? Tony?
 
Fauci: That’s true, Mr. President, they could not mate and spread under those conditions.
 
Trump: See? Listen, people are getting worked up over nothing. In like a month, when it’s summer, these hornets—not just the killer ones, but the littler, friendly ones—will all die out. Trust me. It’s going to be a miracle. Like maybe one or two people will be attacked and stung to death. Which will be very painful and horrible for those people. And their families. And probably a lot of bees will also be killed. Like ten trillion. But we’re not going to shut down the economy for two or three Asian murderous bugs. We can’t let the cure be worse than the sting.
 
Reporter #1: Sir, what should people do if they see a Murder Hornet? Should they report it to a government agency?
 
Trump: Rolled up newspaper. A big one. Next question.
 
Reporter #2: But Sir! They say getting stung by a Murder Hornet is like having a red-hot thumbtack stuck in your skin.
 
Trump: That’s a dumb thing to say. You are dumb. Where do you work?
 
Reporter #2: BuzzFeed News.
 
Trump: BuzzFeed? You’re obviously with the Hornets.
 
-- Josh Piven

From CNN:
New York (CNN Business)The national meat shortage has come for Wendy's. The fast food chain says some menu items are unavailable, and one analyst estimates nearly one in five of Wendy's restaurants are out of beef.
 
 New Wendy’s Menu Items

Corona Burger
Like bread? Who doesn’t! (Except those silly gluten-free people.) Features two buns with nothing in between.
 
Tofu Baconator® Bunanator®
Loads of crispy tofu piled high atop other loads of crispy tofu, sandwiched between our special meatless buns.
 
The Bunion®
How’s a big stack of fried onions, mounded over eye-tearing raw onions, and served on a brioche sound? Sounds like you’ll be cryin’ for more!
 
Triple Notpossible® Burger
Our newest hit is playing your song: a half-pound seaweed and kale patty smothered in tofu cheese that tastes like the real thing: if the real thing tastes awful.
 
Hickory Smoked Barbecue Bulgur®
You read that right, it’s not a burger but a bulgur, featuring delightfully taste-free bulgur wheat mixed with a cup of Dave’s special hickory bbq sauce. Served in our new Bunbowl®! Just try eating it without a fork and tons of napkins!
 
Dave’s Classic Lil’ Lettuce Lunch Combo
Iceberg right ahead: This one’s for the kiddies, with crisp, ice-cold iceberg lettuce slathered with ketchup and topped with salt and sugar. Includes fries, a soda, or milk (ha ha!)
 
-- Josh Piven

From The Times:
The cruise giant Carnival Corporation said on Monday that it planned to reopen cruising on eight of its ships before the end of the summer.
 
A message from Your Captain
 
Welcome back, Carnival Cruisies!™
 
I know it’s been quite a while since you’ve been aboard a Carnival vessel—except for those who enjoyed our Trapped At Sea™ experience last April—and I want to assure you that the cruise experience you know and love isn’t changing!
 
Much.
 
By now, you’ve been temperature gunned, issued mandatory personal protective gear, installed our state-of-the-art Carnival Contact Tracer™ app, put on your color-coded bracelet indicating test status, and been shown to your stateroom by one of our robotic stewards. As you get settled, you’ll notice a few minor updates to your cabin. That slot at the bottom of your door is for meal trays: all meals will be delivered to your stateroom—within 15 minutes of ordering! Please do not attempt to speak to Carnival staff as they deliver your meals. You’ll see a set of lights above your cabin door. “Red” indicates that others are walking in your passageway, so your cabin door will remain locked. “Green” indicates it’s safe to go out of your cabin. Your stateroom door will unlock automatically.
 
Once out of your stateroom, please note: the elevators between decks have been disabled for safety reasons. Please use marked stairways. If you need assistance, someone will be along at some point with a hoist and winch.
 
You’ll see that our world-famous pools are, unfortunately, now empty. This is for your protection. Please enjoy our Disinfecting Spray-Ground™ where you can cool off and kill any viruses that may have snuck on board! (Please close eyes and mouth while using.)
 
While bars and restaurants have been closed for safety reasons, our new Carnival Carnivore Virtual Cookout™ has been installed on Deck 5. Just head on over, smell the delicious grilled meats, place your order on the tablet computer, and your meal will be brought to your stateroom! What could be easier?
 
A note about entertainment. All shows and casino operations have been closed for safety reasons. But don’t worry: You have a wide selection of movies to watch in your stateroom, and for all you gamblers:  The World Series of Poker will be run in a continuous loop for the next seven days!
 
The weather ahead does look a little rough, so we ask that you remain inside for the next 48 hours as we adjust to a more favorable course (not Asia, we learned our lesson there!) Should you develop a fever: For God’s Sake Do Not Leave Your Stateroom Under Any Circumstances I Can’t Go Through That Again!
 
Have a wonderful cruise!

​-- Josh Piven

A few recent observations.
 
I like the Blue Angels and pointless displays of military hardware as much as the next patriot, but perhaps for the next flight they could airdrop food. Or cash.
 
I saw a police officer, on a mountain bike, riding down an empty street. He was popping wheelies. I’m thinking this means crime is down.
 
Why do people wear their face masks while driving? Alone?
 
How is it that we’ve had videoconferencing tech for 10 years but insurance companies are just this month deciding to cover telemedicine?
 
If we currently have to wear masks at the grocery store, when they finally do reopen the restaurants, how are we going to eat with masks on?
 
The Great Depression is taken. The Great Recession, also taken. Perhaps this will be called The Great Lesson, because we might possibly learn something this time? You’re right, seems unlikely.
 
How is it the airlines got $50 billion in taxpayer funds but American won’t refund my fucking four grand?
 
Can we all finally agree that high-speed Internet is a utility?
 
The “cure is not worse than the disease” if you’re the dead one. It’s actually the reverse in that particular situation…
 
Anyone else amused that AirBnB and VRBO—both companies that rely on travel—are now sending “helpful” emails about cooking, playing games, and exercise at home? Way to stay engaged, guys! I’m sure your business will be fine.
 
Perhaps now’s the time to discuss the fact that employer-based health insurance has a highly specific single point of failure: when your job disappears. That’s kind of an important detail, no?
 
Just want to make sure everyone is aware that the first round of checks to those who lost their jobs was delayed because Trump wanted his signature printed on them.

How is it that the ONE elected Republican (Justin Amash) who publicly opposed Trump is now going to run for President? Say it with me now: THIRD PARTY CANDIDATES CANNOT WIN IN OUR SYSTEM.
 
Did Jared bring peace to the Middle East yet? Just my monthly check in.

Enjoy your Friday. Maybe a home-made cocktail?

-- Josh Piven