From the Times:
In Florida, World Wrestling Entertainment has found itself among the services considered “essential,” according to Mayor Jerry L. Demings of Orange County. “With some conversations with the governor’s office regarding the governor’s order, they were deemed an essential business. Therefore, they were allowed to remain open.” Other Florida businesses recently re-classified as “essential” by Gov. Ron DeSantis: Morrie’s Brisket Pickup only, 20 lb minimum. Because if you can eat it all, Bubbula, it’s not hoarding. Big Al’s Alligator Farm Delivery only. We bring the ‘gators to you. What happens after that is your business/problem. Rascal’s Diner Must be over 80, takeout only. Bring your own Tupperware. Dinner only. Service begins at 3pm, ends at 4pm. Sun-spot Tanning Salon Tanning beds open 9-5 Must be fully clothed, masked, and gloved. No refunds for tan lines. Disney’s COVID Kingdom Drop the kids off daily for free testing by a princess Lines will be really fucking long. Mom’s Tattoo Parlor Drive-through only, stick arm out car window. No laser removals. Jimmy’s Bait and Tackle Fish in our blow-up pool out back! Catch and release only. Nightcrawlers not included. Applebees COVID-19 is the least of your problems. Florida Marlins Baseball Trust us, no one will be sitting within 60 yards. Shadytime Bank Cartel deposits only. Cash only. Hours 2am – 4am Ocean Breezes Motel Pay by the hour. Kissing not permitted. Brooklyn Tony’s Deep Sea “Fishing” Midnight “tours” only.” Cement not included. See the bottom of the ocean, up close? Fuggetaboutit! Ronny “Swampy” DeSantis’s Virtual Everglades Tours Videogame console purchase required. Campaign contribution highly recommended. All the sites, none of the bites! Mar-a-Lago “Winter White House” Re-open? Hell, we were never closed! Visit South Florida’s newest “hot spot!” -- Josh Piven Have you been watching Tiger King? Of course you have, because what else is there to to do? I think my main takeaway from the show is this: If you do a shitload of meth, it’s going to be really difficult to eat the expired Walmart meat. Now we know who to blame for throwing the election to Trump: Joe Exotic. If only Hillary had given out campaign condoms, things might’ve been so different… Aside from the fact that Joe Exotic should’ve been jailed by the fashion police long before he went to prison, Tiger King tells a very familiar story: An attractive, fashionable young woman marries a much older businessman for his money, and then is really upset by online bullying. If only she could bury her husband under the septic tank! (You know, allegedly.) I’m not a huge fan of US libel laws, but here’s the thing: If someone has an Internet TV show where they make fun of you by using a blow up doll, named for you, that they first stick a dildo in; then say they want to put a cap in your ass; and then explode said blow up doll with a handgun… well, I’m not a lawyer but that might possibly be damaging to one’s reputation. One sign you’ve been married too many times is that your surname is Schreibvogel-Maldonado-Passage-Exotic-Prisoner#4356896. Someone, somewhere in the gay marriage movement must be asking Is this our fault?? I realize that the South is… different. But watching that show, I have to say I have not seen so many white people line up for a tiger show since Siegfried & Roy were at the Mirage (and you know how that one turned out). Meanwhile, the nagging question we’re left with is this: with the COVID pandemic and the massive run on groceries, does Walmart actually have any expired meat left? And, if they don’t, well, who are Joe’s tigers eating now? -- Josh Piven Sorry, but pandemic-era Zoom has definitely jumped the shark.
It’s not just that this “free” software wants to access all your contacts; or that it collects and shares your (“anonymized”… riiiight ) data; or that it’s replaced in-person teaching for the foreseeable future; or that it’s so insecure that school kids have been “zoombombed” (barf) with Nazi propaganda and porn; or that the Dems have called for an investigation of the company; or that everyone’s 80 year old Poppy is now discovering their 10-year-old Webcam and needs hours of help to figure it out; or that SNL did a skit mocking it, while at the same time doing a show using it (meta-meta, or something); or that "Zoom Easters" and Passovers and birthdays and Bat Mitzvahs and weddings and funerals and for all I know marriage consummations are now a thing. No, it’s not any of those things that truly annoy me. It’s that anyone of a certain age remembers when Zoom was a cool-ass TV show on PBS, and, perhaps, when “Who’s Zoomin’ Who?” was a painfully bad Aretha Franklin song from the ‘80s. COVID has now ruined those awesomely nostalgic associations and instead replaced them with . . . crappy videoconferencing. And what the hell happened to Skype? Didn’t they basically invent that market? I think Microsoft bought them and then killed them. A sign of these times is that I'm currently working on a scenario called, "How To Survive An Early-Morning Videoconference When You’ve Over-Slept" over there on my other blog, at worstcasescenario.com. (Yeah, that's right, I have two blogs. What of it?) And the really scary part is that most of the advice is based on real life. Because haven't we all Zoomed in our pajama bottoms? Which is like the Zoom version of a mullet: All business on top; lazy loser on the bottom. I had three Zoom happy hours this weekend, including two back-to-back because the people on the other end were in locations two time zones apart. I tell you, this drunk videoconferencing is exhausting. And I'm feeling over-scheduled without even leaving the house. I long for the days when my Webcam was covered with a piece of tape. --- Josh Piven It. Finally. Happened.
Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf closed the schools for the rest of the year. Two. More. Months. And the chances of summer camps and summer jobs for teens now seem pretty close to, say, winning the lottery. (Is there still a lottery? Is gambling an essential service?) I really don’t know how we’re all going to make it through this quaran-teen. Here’s a recent conversation: Teen #1: Dad, why are you guys going out so much! We’re not supposed to go out! You’re putting us all at risk! Me: Because we still need to eat. I’m going out to get groceries. After I return from the grocery store: Teen #1: Where’s the microwave popcorn? Teen #2: Don’t they have any of the good toilet paper? Spouse: No White Cheddar Cheez-Its? Teen #1: Dad, you got me two bottles of conditioner! Me: Yes… so I don’t have to go out as often. Teen #1: But Dad, I only sent you a picture of the conditioner bottle as an example. I also needed shampoo! Me: I will go back tomorrow. Teen #1: Dad! No! You’re going to get us all sick! Stop going outside! It's too risky! We are truly in Bizzarro World now. Here’s a sample of things I’ve done recently that I have never, ever done: 1) Visited my over-70 parents to drop off: four bottles of Rosé and two boxes of… Raisin Bran. Breakfast of Champions! 2) Made matzoh “crack.” What is this? you’re wondering. It’s when you coat four sheets of matzoh with two sticks of melted butter and then cover the whole deal with lots of sugar and chocolate chips and chill overnight in the fridge. It’s the only way matzoh is edible, and is very, very hard to stop eating (hence the nickname). Then you spend the next two days straining on the toilet. 3) Ran the “blockade” to Jersey to get liquor. (If you’re PA State Police, please stop reading here.) Pennsylvania has a State Store system, and the governor deemed liquor non-essential. (Yet, somehow, the beer distributors are open. You can figure this one out.) So, risking massive fines ($25/bottle), confiscation of purchases, and possible jail, I put on a wig (even longer than my real hair!) and fake mustache and drove to New Jersey. The liquor store not only required a mask to enter, but had hand sanitizer stations set up to enter and exit. All employees were masked. Plexiglass in front of the cashiers. If only we could protect our supermarket workers like this! Meanwhile, I had the fingerless driving gloves and the nitrous system in the car all ready to go, expecting some Cannonball Run-esque race back home where I had to outrun five cops, sirens wailing, and make it over the bridge. Turns out, smuggling liquor during a pandemic is surprisingly serene. Governor Wolf, I’m begging you: Please, please re-open the State Stores so I can pay more for a terrible selection. Please. -- Josh Piven From Politico:
The National Rifle Association has laid off more than 60 employees in recent weeks, according to three people with knowledge of the matter. "On March 22, it was announced and widely reported that the NRA would be implementing a number of permanent and temporary staff reductions along with other cost-cutting measures, just like many other corporations and nonprofits as a result of the extraordinary impacts from the Covid-19 crisis,” said Andrew Arulanandam, who heads the group's public affairs. NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre told its board of directors last month that layoffs were coming and that it would cut remaining employees’ salaries, according to multiple reports. LaPierre, who made more than $2 million in 2018, would also take an unspecified pay cut. March, 2020 NRA Board Meeting Transcript Wayne LaPierre: Ok, guns down fellas, we’re gonna get started. Andrew Arulanandam <polishing Colt>: All guns, or just long guns? LaPierre: Just holster it, Andrew, would you? Arulanandam: OK OK! Jeez. Still locked and loaded, though! LaPierre: Gentleman, I’ve got some very bad news to share. Board Member #1: Is this about the shooting at my ranch last month? Because I already told you my wife should not have been messing in the kitchen in the middle of the night! I couldn’t see anything! LaPierre: No. And how is Debbie, by the way? Board Member #1: Recovering. Arulanandam: <chuckles> She won’t make that mistake twice! Board Member #1: What can I say? I’m a crack shot! <laughter> LaPierre: Listen men, I’m sure you’ve heard about our finances. We’re bleeding cash. Because of the virus. Board Member #2: I say we close the border, send in the militia, and shoot to kill. LaPierre: How is that going to help with the virus? Board Member #2: I thought you said migrants. LaPierre: Ah. No, that's next month’s agenda. Excuse me… Frank? Frank: Yeah, Chief? LaPierre: Do I see a snub-nose .38 peeking out from under today’s agenda? I said no firearms at the table. Frank: Ain’t nobody gonna take my hideout piece. LaPierre: Lord. OK. If we can just get back on track. We’re gonna have to let a few staff members go. There’s a list on your agenda. Now: which names here would you say are least likely to shoot up the place when they get the bad news? <silence> LaPierre: Ok. Well… how many are convicted felons? Arulanandam: Uh… I think pretty much all of them, Wayne. <chuckles> Hell I thought Leon was still inside! Board Member #2: Won’t they get unemployment, though? LaPierre: That’s deep state welfare. We don’t pay into that. Board Member #2: Lordy, you’ve got Mary on here? I get all my hollow-point ammo from her! Arulanandam: We’d all better wear Kevlar to the next meeting. LaPierre: OK, listen, let’s move on. I had Comms shoot this video, it’s an appeal to membership for donations during the corona crisis. Take a look. <video rolls. LaPierre is dressed head to toe in camouflage hunting gear, field dressing a three-point buck next to a pickup.> Wayne LaPierre Greetings fellow lover of freedom. I hope this message finds you well—and well armed—at this difficult time. The crisis engulfing our nation is a lot like this three-pointer: it is spreading rapidly and widely, and if nothing is done, it will continue reproducing and spreading, until it has taken over. It must be stopped dead. Fortunately, this Chinese Virus seems to prefer the urban environment, where unarmed liberals don’t stand a chance. But we Real Americans should be ready, because infections—like bad ideas—eventually make their way into the Heartland. <picks up dead buck’s head, points it to camera> This fellow didn’t see it coming. But we do. Now more than ever, we need to protect our families, and our property. There have now been 13,000 deaths from COVID-19 in America. In just three more days, that could match the 15,000 killed by guns last year (excluding suicides; they would have just used pills anyway). This is getting serious. We’ve had to cancel many of our gun shows and conferences, which means it may now take a ridiculously long 48 hours to obtain a new firearm. And we’re having to cut our budget, too. I am doing my part. I’m donating one-half of one percent of my $2 million salary to the first responders: the armed ones, naturally. Now, for less than a dollar a day, you can save the job of an NRA employee. Remember, these critical staffers are on the front lines—not the hospitals, the other ones—fighting for your right to own ten or more semiautomatic rifles. Now more than ever, marauding bands of looters might be on their way to your home, ready to cough on you and steal your canned goods. And this time, they’re not coming from Mexico. Don’t wait until it’s too late! Send your donations now, so we can fight this virus the right way: with an armed response. -- Josh Piven From the Times:
Ignoring Expert Opinion, Trump Again Promotes Use of Hydroxychloroquine President Trump doubled down Sunday on his push for the use of an anti-malarial drug against the coronavirus, issuing medical advice that goes well beyond scant evidence of the drug’s effectiveness as well as the advice of doctors and public health experts. Mr. Trump’s recommendation of hydroxychloroquine, for the second day in a row at a White House briefing, was a striking example of his brazen willingness to distort and outright defy expert opinion and scientific evidence when it does not suit his agenda. Script for new TV commercial for Hydroxychloroquine Scene Mom, slightly dim young son, and slightly older daughter sit around a dinner table. Dinner is almost finished. Dad staggers in front door, dripping sweat and looking feverish. Mother My goodness, honey, you’re late for dinner! And you look terrible! Father <coughing heavily> I feel awful. Chills and fever. I think I might have COVID-19. Voice Over Are you experiencing feeling awful? Are you finding it difficult to get through the day due to coughing fits and shortness of breath? There may be a new treatment for you. Daughter Dad, you’re very sick. It sounds like you should get a prescription for Snakeoileum. Mother Snakeoileum? What’s that, dear? Daughter It’s a miracle cure the President says we should all take if we get the Chinese Virus. Father <gasping> Will it work? Daughter It may! Or it may not! Son Snakeoileum? That sounds dangerous. Is it safe? Voice Over Snakeoileum is the brand name for Hydroxychloroquine. Hydroxychloroquine is an anti-malarial. There is zero clinical evidence that Hydroxychloroquine is effective to treat COVID-19. You should talk with your doctor if you experience symptoms of COVID-19 and you’re considering Snakeoileum. Virtually all health professionals say it’s a really bad fucking idea to take Snakeoileum off-label for this disease. Side effects include death. Daughter Dad, the President says we’re stockpiling Snakeoileum. He says we have 29 million doses! Son That’s a lot of doses, sis! Father <now holding onto wall to stay upright, gasping for breath> If…we…have…<coughs> so many… doses… It must help. Right? Daughter The President says he’s not a doctor. But he says you have nothing to lose! Mother But how do we get this miracle drug, Snakeoileum? Voice Over Snakeoileum is currently in the federal stockpile, which is not there for the states to use. It’s federal, so you may need to fuck off. Talk to your doctor. Snakeoileum may be available on the black market soon, or at Trump Hotels. Before taking Snakeoileum, make sure your life insurance is up to date. Mother Thank goodness our government is looking out for us, stockpiling critically needed drugs! Honey… are you sure it’s not malaria? -- Josh Piven I went grocery shopping on-line yesterday. And when I say that, I mean that I stood on line for 45 minutes outside Trader Joes. Helpfully, the sidewalk was marked with painter’s tape every six feet (social distancing: have you heard? It is SO FUN!). As you can see from the photo, I was mistaken several times for the Unabomber. Unlike Whole Foods, the store was fully stocked with actual groceries, including frozen foods (Green Tea Mochi, how I’ve missed thee!), paper towels, and toilet paper. Buh-bye, Target! Can I be the only one on lockdown who’s desperately afraid of cracking a tooth? I’ve been making stove-top popcorn (the old school way, with oil in a pot) and I find myself going through the popped corn like a miner panning for gold: the single un-popped kernel that will put me in a dentist’s chair for emergency surgery (read: COVID-19 exposure). I'll probably choose to pull out the broken tooth with pliers instead. Safer that way. I broke down and ordered Disney+ today. And I know what you’re thinking: Is it really possible to watch every single Marvel movie before the 7-day free trial runs out? Possibly. But I have a 13-year-old who had a birthday on April 1—talk about making wonderful videoconferencing memories!—and that’s what she wanted. So, thank you Coronavirus, one more monthly bill for a streaming service! Apparently my neighborhood Mom and Pop grocery store is now selling disposable surgical masks. Price: $5. It was so nice before the pandemic, when they only gouged for groceries! Apparently (and I am not making this up) people are lining the insides of these overpriced disposable masks with paper-towels, so they can re-use them many, many times. They’re calling it--wait for it--the Philly Special. -- Josh Piven From the Times:
At one of the most perilous moments in modern American history, Jared Kushner is trying to marshal the forces of government for the war his father-in-law says he is waging. Mr. Kushner enlisted friends with glossy entrepreneurial backgrounds to help, [including] Nat Turner, a software entrepreneur who once ran a snake-breeding business out of his childhood bedroom. A senior official described them as “a frat party that descended from a U.F.O. and invaded the federal government.” Kushner has embedded dozens of political appointees and recruits from the private sector in critical spots like FEMA. His “impact team,” as he calls it, has been nicknamed the Slim Suit Crowd. Jared Kushner: OK: Snake Eyes, let’s call this meeting to order. Nat Turner: What about the paddling? Kushner: The what? Turner: We said all new pledges to the Impact Team get paddled. Part of the initiation ritual. Kushner: Didn’t we say beer funnels? Turner: Dude. Funnels are so lame. Plus beer makes you fat. We have these slim suits… Kushner: True, true. OK, let’s line them up after the meeting. Pledge #1: Permission to speak, Sir! Kushner: You are a piece of human scum. <puffs on cigar> Permission granted. Pledge #1: Sir, yes Sir! I am a piece of human scum, Sir! Sir, Governor Cuomo is saying they are in desperate need… Kushner: What is your name, Pledge? Pledge #1: Johnson, Sir. Turner <snickers>: First name Dick? Kushner <laughing>: C’mon Nat this is a serious meeting! Listen, Pledge: your Slim Suit pledge name is now... Little Johnson. And don’t lecture me about Cryin’ Cuomo. We are in charge of this crisis, not that d-bag. Anyway doesn’t he have the bug? Turner: That’s his bro, dude. On CNN. Which totally stands for “Communist News Network!” Kushner <laughing>: Dude, nice one! <They high five> You’ve got smarts. <puffs cigar> What if I put you on this ventilator deal? I think you could totally kill it. Turner: Like, get rid of it? Kushner: No, kill like do good at it. Like be in charge. Make it happen. Turner: Totally, totally, bro. I’m on it. Let me Google ventilator. Then I’ll take over. Kushner: Awesome awesome, I like the initiative. Pledge #2: Um, excuse me…? Impact Team leaders? Permission to speak? Kushner: Go ahead, shit bird. Pledge #2: Well, Sirs, I know that you’re very busy with the Middle East Crisis and the Peace Plan and all… Kushner: Been there, solved that. News flash: Jews win! Pledge #2: … but I was thinking, like, what if we started calling this thing the Iranian Flu? Like, instead of the Chinese Virus, we, like, re-brand? Aren’t a lot of them getting sick over there? We could put it on the Iranians, and then we have more reason to bomb them later. Like, to “wipe out the virus.” With, like, napalm or some shit like that? Fire kills it, right? The bacterial? Kushner <nodding>: Smart, kid. Very, very slick. What’s your name, son? Pledge #2: Bush, Sir. Turner: Bush? Like… from Yale? Bush: Yes, Sir. Kushner: I went to Harvard. Your Slim Suit pledge name is now... Bush League. Listen dudes, we need to wrap this thing up, I have a shitload of evictions to handle, lot of deadbeats suddenly not paying rent in Baltimore. Not sure what’s going on. So here’s the plan. Snake Eyes, you’re gonna get these ventilators made quick, like convert vacuum cleaners or some shit like that. Got it? Turner: No prob, Chief. Kushner: Bush League, you’re now elevated to the Impact Team. First order of business: buy a slim suit. Second, you’re on point for marketing and publicity on the rebranding. COVID-19 is now officially Iranian Flu. See if you can work in something about uranium enrichment, too. Bush: I’m on it. Pledge #1/Johnson: What about me, dudes? What’s my job? Kushner: Little Johnson… I've thought a lot about this. You’re too green to have a major role on Impact. So, from now on, just go run FEMA. Pledge #1/Johnson: FEMA? What’s that, Sir? Kushner: No idea, bro-handy. Google it. Meeting adjourned. --Josh Piven From Deadline:
ABC’s American Idol is supposed to begin airing live performance shows in just a couple of days. But last week, prep work, including rehearsals with the finalists, was suspended, and the contestants were sent home to be with their families amid the escalating coronavirus pandemic. Almost all of the big tentpole formats, from American Idol and Survivor to American Ninja Warrior and The Bachelorette have been hit by the production shutdown. The reality pipeline is, however, not running completely dry. A number of new unscripted show treatments are now making the rounds in Hollywood, OK COVID! A clever mashup of The Bachelorette and the film Contagion, this compelling new show features an attractive sub-25 YO women in 14-day quarantine thanks to a positive COVID-19 swab test. She's seeking the love of her life via shouted interviews through a closed bedroom door. Production note: All contestants should be under 70. Just in case. Comedians In Cars With Corona Getting Tested In this hilarious new "buddy" show, comedians who have "recovered" (or have they?? ) from the virus drive vintage cars to COVID-19 testing sites on high-security military bases, all the while cracking wise about having to tell jokes with very little lung function. Sure to be a hit with the 18-45 white male demo. So You Think You Can Leave The House? You'd better think again, because the cops are issuing $500 citations as contestants try to sneak outside and gather in groups of more than 10 to par-tay! Can the buff lads make it to Lauderdale and throw a blow-out kegger on the beach? If they do, they continue on to the next episode. The Masked Surgeon In this suspenseful vote-'em-off, contestants wearing impressive masks (but not that kind) pretend to be doctors in the ER treating COVID-19 patients. The contestants with the most outrageous masks get to make it to next week, with a twist: only if they can get sick patients onto a ventilator in 30 seconds or less! And... there aren't enough ventilators! Truly life or death on this one! Survivor: New York City Wuhan's got nothing on the Big Apple as contestants from all over the country are shoved cheek-to-jowl into a Brooklyn (aka Ground Zero) apartment. How will they get groceries? How will they party? And how will the good looking ones pair off when they find out that two members of the group have COVID-19? Each week's winner gets an N95 face mask! American Idle Want to watch two white, rich Hollywood families with no discernible means of supporting themselves do nothing but sit by the pool all day and drink because they can't leave the gated grounds? Of course you do, because you're stuck at home too! And you got no pool. -- Josh Piven Photo by Julien Dumas on Unsplash April Fool's Day greetings, dear Housebound reader! Today's edition will feature suitably Foolish headlines that we recently encountered. (OK, full disclosure: wish we had encountered.) President Trump Resigns Will volunteer in NYC hospital while pursuing nursing degree Joe Biden Embraces Socialism Offers nomination to Bernie Sanders in exchange for bowl of warm lentil soup U.S. Banks Announce Elimination of All Mortgage Interest Say no need to apply, friends, don't sweat it, program will be automatic Mexico Announces Discovery of Cure For Corona Virus Turns out, it's a Corona. With Lime. All Olympics Discontinued IOC states "Oops, looks like it's all a big waste of money" Vice President Pence Found to be Robot Escaped from set of HBO's WestWorld U.S. Airlines Refuse Bailout Money CEOs say "We know we suck. You know we suck. Coach seats now free." All Giant Cruise Ships To Be Scuttled, Used As Artificial Reefs Inspired by Titanic, Executives Say CA Rep. Devin Nunes Says Immigration "Fucking Awesome For Country" Marries Undocumented Woman, Quits House, Joins OxFam Comcast To Be Nationalized Monthly bills to be replaced with Tootsie Rolls Facebook Announces Purchase of Russia Country now wholly-owned subsidiary, says Zuckerberg, ads and bots now "part of Facebook family" -- Josh Piven |
AuthorYou know who I am, right? It's in the "bio" section. I'm the guy stuck at home. Archives
May 2020
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